what if?

1: looking forward

A breakup.

It's still hard to believe. Only two of Yeji's relationships reached a serious level. One ventured further, but her emotions paid the price for its lack of success.

Diving into the sea, Yeji was interested in something long-term. Perhaps it's true there was plenty of fish, and at her age, many she knew preferred to avoid settling down so soon. To her, however, she finds enjoyment in having a partner. Someone to call hers. To wake up beside and see again before falling asleep. To share a home-cooked meal with while enjoying each other's company. Someone who knows when to give her space, then hold her when she needs it most. Someone she can plan a date for and laugh along with if the plan fails. Someone who presses her buttons yet brings her flowers unexpectedly.

Honestly, Yeji can go on and on.

At night, she curses those happily ever afters in the movies and shows she's seen growing up. Even the obviously fabricated relationships on social media. All either has to offer are unrealistic expectations she used to daydream about far too often.

Daydreaming is now forbidden. She refuses, knowing it leads to disappointment, a decision based on experience. The relationship wasn't perfect. It was her first to last a few years until one day it just ended. No warning.

That scared Yeji. Were people really like this? How long did they think about breaking up with her before insisting the split? As much as she tries to quit while she's ahead, she can't stop looking back.

Waking up the next morning alone, knowing those boxes in the corner meant her partner was set on leaving and never returning. How a relationship she fought so hard to maintain could wither away baffled her. What was it worth? She gave her all and hurt the most in the end.

The end.

It still takes getting used to. Pretending her feelings aren't there is like trying to place a bandaid on a broken bone. The first week she cried over and over. Tears were scarce throughout the second, but she believed they ran dry. Throughout the third and fourth, she felt unbearably numb. During the fifth and sixth, she kept to herself. Ignored her family's messages. Her friends, too, even if they were distant. She knew she had distanced herself from them first.

'Karma,' Yeji thinks. Hands behind her head while staring at the ceiling, feeling lonely. Deep down, she knows wallowing in self-pity can't be healthy.

It's been roughly two months now. She hasn't cried today. She'll have to mark that success in her journal while silently praying it's a sign of a new streak and her healing.

To celebrate, she decides she needs to leave her apartment for something other than groceries or work. Yesterday, after belatedly answering, her friends convinced her to attend a party. It sounded fun. A night she would dedicate purely to enjoying herself.

Yeji anticipates the event all week. Three days before, she decides how to wear her hair and makeup. Two days before, she goes shopping for clothes. She leaves the stores undecided that day but finds something the next.

"I can't remember the last time I went to a party." Yeji mumbles. She checks herself in the mirror, satisfied with her look. Confidence is key.

Does she intend to hook up with someone as her friends suggested? Maybe find someone new and full of potential?

Not.

A.

Chance.

Her dream of a soulmate no longer exists, and a one-night stand wouldn't make her feel better. She's convinced her heart is hurt beyond repair, wounds still open and untreated. She's not ready. Past in mind, she now knows better than to date a best friend, too. It's a mistake that leads to losing both her partner and friend at once. At least the failed relationship left her with something she hopes to call wisdom.

To head out tonight she merely adds a second 'bandaid' to patch up that 'bone.' It gives her enough confidence to make a new friend or reconnect with the ones she already has. She isn't close with anyone anymore, casually hangs out once in a blue moon. It's time to fix that.

That said...

Yeji's goal tonight? To meet her future bestie. Someone she can ask for advice and receive honest answers from. Someone who can be her wingman and score her a date when she's ready but too shy. Someone to go shopping with, then have a sleepover and throw popcorn at the tv during a lame movie on the same day.

Again, she can go on and on.

To sum it up, she desperately needs someone to hang out with platonically.

No exceptions.

No benefits.

Operation F.A.B. (Find A Bestie) starts now.

Yes, she termed it that. The proof is in her journal.

Apparently, falling is involuntary, though. Future Yeji made sure to note so in her journal because, somehow, she ended up with more than she bargained for.