If only they knew

4

I've nearly had a panic attack twice in my life. Once when my Father left us and the second time was at my second performance when I saw the disappointment in my mothers face.

I was bracing for the third.

"Janey?" People turned to look at the noise but I didn't. I refused. Perhaps if I had just ignored him he would go away. But it wasn't a movie or a tv show, this was real life and it was real fear and anxiety that threatened to cut off my airflow.

I clenched my hands and took a deep breath. I could have just ran. But I didn't.

"Sorry, do I know you?" I chuckled awkwardly crossing my arms over my chest as I shifted uncomfortably. In the corner of my eye I could see the woman staring.

Elliot stood there with a lost look on his face.

"Last night?" He furrowed his eyebrows under the light of the lamp post.

"I can hardly remember last night, did we-" I motioned my hands between us. I wanted nothing to do with him right now. By the looks of it he had a beautiful girlfriend and I was here feeling sad that I couldn't see him again.

"Not even close," He laughed as he rubbed the back of his neck. I brought my phone out of my pocket as I pretended to check the time.

"I'm sorry i'm late for something," I smiled as I stuck out my thumb behind me.

"Oh, right, sorry for keeping you," He replied as I stepped backwards.

"Enjoy your night," I waved as I spun around and kept walking. My legs wouldn't carry my fast enough

"You too," His voice was quiet but as I turned the corner I heard it. Carly was going to have a field day with this drama.

***

"You're late," Carly spoke as she followed behind me as I filled up a bucket of popcorn.

"You'll never guess what just happened," I shook my head in disbelief while I then filled my cup full of soda. I almost felt like laughing hysterically.

"What?" Carly urged as she kept following me to the counter to pay for the snacks, because of Elliot we would have missed the start of the movie.

"$12 please," I fished in my back pocket grabbing out a $20.

"Elliot, with a gorgeous girl, calling out my name," I smiled at the lady as she handed me the change.

"Wait kidnapping Elliot?" I gave her a right smile with my eyebrows raised as we made our way to our seats.

"I tried to play it off like I didn't know him," I shrugged as we shimmied our way down the isle.

"Bet that didn't go well, you're terrible at that," Carly snickered.

"It went very well thank you very much," I responded with a smug look. She gave me a side look as I ate my popcorn.

"Okay, I believe you. I brought something for us," I took my eyes off the movie to watch her dig in her handbag just to bring out a drink bottle.

"What is it?" She unscrewed the top and rested it between her thighs as she took the top off the soda, pouring whatever was in the soda into it.

"Can't watch a sappy romcom without vodka," She waved the bottle around with a grin.

"No, no, no." I whispered as I looked around to see if anyone was watching.

"Come on, losen up Janey," I bit my lip as I watched her continue to wave the bottle around. I sighed and grabbed my soda, taking the lid off and holding it out to her.

"That's my girl," She sipped her drink as I mixed mine with the straw. Fuck it.

***

"He's really hot," I whined on the curb. We got kicked out of the movies, nearly got into a fight with some middle aged rich bitch.

"Are you sure it was his girlfriend?" Carly had just finished crying about how she 'really loved this girl' I nearly started crying with her.

"Either he's stupid and can't see how much of a catch she is or she's a family member, but who goes out with their hot cousin to a rich restaurant alone?" Carly tipped her head as if to say I was making sense.

"I love you and you know that, but why are you overthinking this, didn't you just meet him last night?" I buried my head in my hands and nodded.

"I'm pathetic, I get a tiny bit of attention from a hot man and i'm acting like we're married and he's supposed to be faithful to me," I groaned as Carly hugged me. I have got an all time low. Sitting on a curb next to my best friend drinking cheap wine and crying.

"You're not pathetic, babe, you're just human," I let her words sink in. I knew she was half right but I didn't feel human, which was a weird thing to think but I didn't know how else to explain it.

"I don't know if I can go home tonight, me and my mum had a fight," I rubbed my temples to try and ease the headache that had just started.

"Crash at mine," Carly shrugged as she lit a cigarette. I wanted to but I knew if I didn't go home then my mum would have my head.

"No, i'm just being dramatic, i'll be fine," I smiled at her as she handed me the smoke.

"Okay, you know where I am if you change your mind," I had a puff and watched the smoke disperse into the world.

"I think i'm going to walk home," Carly looked at me with a frown and she took back the cigarette.

"Isn't it like a half an hour walk back to yours?" I nodded as I stood up on shaky feet.

"I could use the exercise, plus I spent my last cash on the wine," I wiped the dirt off my bum as Carly stared up at me.

"I love you," She said.

"I love you too, bitch," I kicked her softly. We laughed as she stood up.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" I nodded as we started to walk our separate ways.

"See you," I called out walking away. I hugged my body in the cold as I walked the streets. Surprisingly, there were not many people. I guess no one really chooses to walk the streets at this time of night.

I used to walk home from ballet practice when I was little because my mother drowned herself in wine and tears. I grew to prefer walking as a way to distract myself.

"Do you need a ride?" My thoughts were interrupted as I jumped. Low and behold Elliot was sat in the car that was driving on the road right beside me.

I couldn't see his girlfriend as I stood in shock.

"I'm okay, I like walking," I smiled and continued to walk looking straight ahead. I looked beside me to see him following me slowly in the car, staring.

"Are you going to keep following me?" I called out hiking my bag up my shoulder.

"Until you get in, yes," I frowned and stopped walking.

"Isn't that called stalking?" I questioned him as a smile slowly spread across his face.

"Call it what you want, I will follow you all the way home," I looked around the streets wondering if I should. Stranger danger was a thing for a reason. But he didn't kidnap me last night so maybe he was just a genuine nice guy which for some fucked up reason is hard to find these days.

"It's only a 20 minute walk," I tried to reason with him.

"It's only a 8 minute drive," He retorted. If there were other cars on the road he would quite literally be stopping traffic.

"You're seriously not going to leave if I don't get in?" I put my hands on my hips as I waited for the answer. He reached over the passenger seat towards me and opened the door.

"I've always been a man of my word, hop in," In that moment every part of my feminism body left the room, and I hopped in that damn car.

******