Letters to Yoon.
I don't even know myself, so who can know me.
Why does my life feel like an incarnation of your pain? If this is it, then I need you more than ever in my life.
#5 in #memoirs 22.07
#13 in #expectations 08.08
#22 in #breathe
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It started with love and ended with heartbreak. Too cliché. But the pain is engraved on me.
"The beginning, well was fun. "
It was. It all started with a kiss in the summer of 2013. The sun was blazing and so were our hearts. It was pure adrenaline of the firsts we were going to experience, at least me. Skepticism flew out the window and I decided to jump right into the cool pool I saw before me. the breeze was hitting me hard and so did the reality.
"Pointless emotional exhaustion."
It was draining and you were responsible for it. Maybe I was too because I was the one who let you enter the 4 chambers. I realized a little too late it was going nowhere and I was no longer happy. Since you were my first, I was scared to break it off, fearing it might break your heart. I never thought that it was going to break mine too. I wasn't thinking about myself when we were draining.
"Someone has to get off from here."
I was trying to talk to you and I was terrified of your reaction. The blood that would be shed in this war. The broken promises. I had never made them to anyone and then you came along. The perfect relationship which I wanted to get off. I wasn't able to breathe. I wasn't living. I was tearing myself up for someone who didn't give a fuck. And yet I thought you were in pain. Scared of hurting you all along.
"Don't wanna become the bad guy."
I honestly didn't want to. We were young and naïve. So much to live for and yet I felt like the end of the world was near. Too much pain. I thought if you would break it off, I would save myself a lot of tears. But I didn't realize that I was the one crying from the start. Wanting to break free from this game. The game you had played before but I was new to it.
"Exhausted beyond exhaustion, embers of fight."
It broke me when I saw you type "I love you" to someone who was not me. was it fair to me? Was it okay for you to do that when we had a fight and thought it wouldn't work out anymore? I was exhausted and left with so many insecurities. Insecurities about being a good partner, of being pretty, not being too thin, not cursing when I am angry, not being able to find the perfect gift for you, handling the eyes you gave other girls, comparing me to my friends, not being dressed up for you, no makeup bare face with the thick glasses. Wearing your ring on my finger and my heart on my sleeve broke me eventually.
"Let's end this seesaw game."
When I decided that the water was overflowing, I tried to save myself from drowning. But I was drowning with you. I thought that you would give your hand and save me, but hell I was wrong. I was alone from the start. All the efforts went in vain. It left me with a lifelong scar of being scared of love. Scared to care for someone beyond my capacity and suffocate again. I tried to end it all when I tried to end my life. I gave up on myself completely. Was I the bad guy? I don't think so. I ended it one summer after a lot of thought. Scared at night, crying into my pillow, longing to see you. But I knew that you won't take me back. Nor I wanted you back in my life. It was over. Over for good and yet I am scared today. Scared that someone touches me. Scared to love. Scared to grow feelings for someone. Scared that I would fuck it up. Scared of not being enough. I still am.
But I had to get off this seesaw. Even if it broke me. And the scars it left are too deep. Too deep to fade away.
