MIN SUGA

MOONLIGHT

The drums were slow but my heartbeat was skyrocketing. It was so raw to hear you sing like this. It was solace. It was soothing. And yet I found my insides turning. So much so that I realized we were the same. 

The anger, the laziness, the will to fly, to breathe with freedom, to look up and soak in the moonlight. Your humble struggle makes me cry in pain. I wonder if you still keep it buried in your heart. I wonder if you ever let go. I wonder what you dreamt at night. I wonder if you felt lonely. 

I wonder if I was there would I have held you in my embrace? Would we both have cried ourselves to sleep with the pain and suffering?

"My biggest enemy is the anger inside me. "

Do you also feel like destroying everything in your way? I feel it, crawling under my skin and taking over like a mutant gene. I found anger I never knew I had. I don't know where the roots are. I don't know if it will eat me up and how I wonder you would never hurt yourself with your anger. I wasn't there when you were dreaming big at night, sleepless nights of music, pain, lyrics, suffering, recreation, exhaustion, and emergence. But I promise from here on, you will never walk alone.

You said it has been 3 years. I wonder how you kept alive in those years when all I felt was the blood flowing out my carotids even when I wasn't scratched.

Your laziness is your enemy and I understand. Maybe it takes one to know one. The battle is dreadful. And it scares me. But I am still in my bed unbothered by the thoughts of my certain future, laziness taking over.

"And if I love music at all."

I wonder what happened when you questioned the love of life. I don't know what lead you to have second thoughts about the only thing that kept you alive. Your hands flowed over the monochrome keys, playing something that I couldn't understand. But your eyes were sparkling with hope, dreams, and melodies. Why did you question this? Who made you feel this unworthy? You could have asked me, and I would have replied honestly. You are it. Music made you and you made music. If was the most sacrosanct relationship that was blooming for the modern times to roll on.

"The emptiness I feel after flying fucking high. "

You were surrounded by people and yet you felt alone. It was taking over your mind. It was affecting me too. I couldn't bear to see you like this. Your music made you feel alive but when you were above everyone else, why did you feel empty?

"The moonlight that shines on me at dawn. It's still the same."

You have been changing lives for 10 years. A decade. You gave no fucks to the haters. You kept playing in the sea breeze and sailed through. But aren't we all under the same sky? The same moonlight shining upon us. As it shines on you, I want to hold your hand and tell you that we will grow old together. You look ethereal. 

When you looked at the keys, I could see you were raw and vulnerable. Your slick voice was wavering and it hurt me. Expectations. It was bringing you down. Down in a way that was fearing to make your way further. Even when the expectations were crushing you and you were dubious about everything you had worked for, I wanted to remind you that the moonlight that shines upon us stays the same. You stay the same.

"Changes are fated to happen to everyone. No eternity for anything."

Don't take the sky on your shoulders. Let me help you share the burden. If we both look into each other's eyes and try to lift them, it would still crush us in some way. 

So let's bear it together. Endure it together. Under the moonlight. The same moonlight that embraces you. Comforts you. Tells you that maybe the world is changing, but you are the same. Don't lose hope with your strongest pillar, your music, your melodies, your lyrics. It may have started out as a hobby, but now you know the impact. You are worth it.

Stay the same. The same young boy from Namsandong, eyes glittering, music in your heart, taking the local bus, dreaming big, playing the keys, loving yourself and me.