MIN SUGA

PEOPLE

I have come miles from what I used to be. Caring and kind to a rebellious bitch. Angry at myself all the time, wanting to watch the blood flow out of me. This is where the magic happens. Where the quirky music starts off hinting at the changes. That might make or break us.

"Am I a good person? Or a bad one?"

I still don't know what makes us human. I don't know if I am one anymore. Going to lengths to help a stranger, I was a good person. Now, I am just looking out for myself. Betrayal, loveless life, sadness, loneliness, misery, and suicidal thoughts. Am I a bad person now? Did you go through it all? Did it make you rethink yourself? I want to be selfish for a while, am I a bad person now?

"People change, as I have changed now."

I was drowning in my kindness which was slashing my neck like a blade. I was happy to see myself bleed if I could make another happy. But I changed. So did the people I loved. Betrayal struck. Backstabbing was a bitch. Helpless nights kicked in. everything changed.

"Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's upsetting."

She was a friend who lived across. We hung out, ate together, stayed together, and cried together. The winds changed and so did our hearts. I would call it growing apart. I would rather call it seeing the truth. I don't know what hurt you. 

People changing around you or your insides trying to accept that you changed in a way you couldn't comprehend. But this is what hurt me. changing for the good and the bad. I reminisce about the day I changed for myself. But I resent myself sometimes. Sometimes it makes me cry.

"Animal of regret."

Why can't I appreciate life? Maybe because I have never fallen in love with it. I always wanted it to end. Painfully more so. I regret it today when I feel I should have lived more. Having all the luxuries in the world, I still regret I could have that one thing that doesn't belong to me. That doesn't belong beside me. I regret my decision. I regret living this stingy life. But I still live because Life is eternal.

"Mediocrity and specialty."

Embracing my mediocrity because I could handle the stone-weighted burden on my shoulders. Because I wanted to run away from it. Hide my face in the ground and just avert everything. Mediocrity was a curse back then. Is it still now? No. people change and so did I. I accept it. I accept it thinking it will lead me somewhere. Somewhere that is my happy spot. Somewhere in solitude. Somewhere I can breathe without crying. Without the angina.

"What's wrong with living like that?"

I don't understand your musings. You are right to question the way of our living, with big expectations, experiences, resilience, and the constant hoard to achieve something greater than all of us which may not make us happy in the end. Does the melancholy kick in like the drug it is? 

What is wrong with living with my mediocrity and considering it special? More special than the special, lavish life. What's wrong with the changes in me? wondering about my place in the world as you would have in your younger days? I do. What's wrong with living like that? Living with the pain and the misunderstandings.

Scribbling on your notebook that holds your thoughts together. Scattered in your brain. And yet amalgamated on the pages. Craving for the sincere connection and the love that wasn't there when you were young. Sitting in the dark room, looking out at the view, leaning on the railing, and watching the water ripples that bring you comfort.

"It's conditional, what is it that I love?"

Your introspection has led you down the decade-long path and you still are questioning love. Things that you love and people that you love. Wondering if this will last forever. Happiness and success are a flimsy sandcastle for you. Crumbling with the waves that hit and taking your soul with it. For a person who has sacrificed and lost so much in life, you are cautious with love. And curious about the sadness that comes with loss.

"So far away, you're gone."

I don't know if you are looking at the person you love or yourself when you wrote this. Did the old days make you feel like everything was slipping away, everything that you had earned with your heart and music? Past, present, or future? Did you ever feel like one was more important than the other? Especially when you felt empty inside. Did you drift away from music in those days? Or you just pushed it away with your fears reigning over you? You were looking at your reflection with self-doubt. And the voice told you to keep on going.

"So time is yet now, right here to go."

Walking into your studio, did you feel the adrenaline rush back to you? Did you think of me? Did you feel the self-doubt evaporate? Is your music calling out to your heart again? To invent again. Share again. Sublime the fears and embrace them again. The only thing that calms you down is your music. Listening to that tunes on that big vinyl. Trying to question the endless love and selflessness of people. Questioning the perfect love.

"You are already more than enough to be loved."

I am glad you realized that for yourself before sending this love to me. the galaxy-colored flowers contrasting your yellow fur and the black locks falling on your forehead. A smile was on your face again. Maybe it was your music, dispelling the fears, oblivion into cautious love, or the aftereffects of crying in loneliness. But it was there. I don't think you lost everything. Just yourself in rough times.

You wanted to tell yourself all of this. Console yourself. And you did. I did too. I was talking to you.