MIN SUGA

SO FAR AWAY

So far away. It was echoing through my nerves. I could hear your heartbeat. The beeps were accelerating as if trying to tell a story of their own. A story to move the mountains. A story similar to mine. A story so heartbreaking and beautiful. A story for a lifetime.

"I don't have anything I want to do. Not even a common dream."

Was having a common dream my dream? Then why did I stray? Stray away from the calm and safe waters to enter into the storm. A storm tearing me apart with its force and my hopes. A storm is brewing in the distance. A storm brewed inside me. Everything was supposed to work out just the way I wanted. Everything was supposed to be on track. Everything was supposed to be easy. Everything was supposed to be according to them.

You followed them too. You were trying so hard to be on your own when you realized that it only scraped your knees and your heart to the burning point. The fire behind you didn't faze you. You were sitting enjoying the burn. That is when reality hit hard. Dreams bleeding on the concrete floor.

"Everything would be fine if I did what I was told to do."

I was told to follow their dreams. I was told to be calm and collected. I was told to not be weird. I was told to not speak. I was told to study. I was told to live. How could I live like this? In such a pathetic way that even my heart wasn't beating. How could I live doing things I could never understand? How could I live knowing that my dreams were now locked up in the trunk under my bed? 

How could I live knowing that following their path only led me to unleash the worst in me? How could I live after I was encased by the devils? How could I live knowing I had to spend the rest of my life in pain? I know now. You. The answer to all the mysteries. You did all of this too. Against your will. Against your heart. And I am about to do that too.

"I Live only because I can't die."

Death never scared me. Seeing dead people. Or seeing myself die. It calms me knowing that one day everything would end. My pain would end. This perennial pain. These powerful demons. And the evil that I manifest. How did I even live my life until now like a good, kind person realizing all the well that I was nothing but a sick piece of manipulating bitch from inside? I guess the good in me wanted me to live. 

Live through the pain. With a glass of alcohol by my side. Looking at that crystal liquid gave me a little courage and an immense amount of pain. Pain to keep it all inside. Pain that I won't let go. I deserve it.

But you don't. you don't have to hold onto the alcohol like it's your last resort. You don't have to continue on this self-destructive path. You don't have to look down anymore. Sell your music for cheap anymore. Don't hate yourself anymore.

"Everyone is running, then why am I the only one here?"

People running to fulfill dreams. Theirs and theirs. Not even breathing now. You and me standing next to each other thinking we could never make it. Clenched hands, bleeding palms, and bruised hearts. It hurts when everyone races past you. Leaving you alone. Thinking you were never enough. And I now love living like this. Like a pushover sometimes. I ask this to you. I ask this to myself. Why? What is holding my feet back? Is it the shackles of my hopes? Why are you rooted? Is it the shackles of your unbelievably large-than-life dreams?

"So far away, if I have a dream."

My dreams had already left me. Not to be fulfilled. To be flushed down the drain. Torn up by them. Stomped on every moment. And yet I dreamt of seeing you. I guess I have to give up on that now as well. Temporarily though.

The dreams are far away. In another land. And I am not very confident that I can reach them now. Telling me to bind them up like a historic manuscript and burn them. That's all I heard. People rejoiced when my dreams were crashing into million pieces and piercing like shards into my heart. Everyone just smiling at me. The wicked smiles. The smiles told me they were happy seeing me underground. Happy seeing me break. Happy seeing me happy only from the outside. All fake.

"Dream. Will eventually be in full bloom at the end of hardships."

The dream sequence playing in my head with the clock ticking. Each moment feels heavier than the previous. Each moment feels like a burden. Each breath I take kills me inside. Hardships. These hardships that you talk about. I have them. I know them. I see them. And yet I have been made to feel smaller than the sand that is under my feet. I don't know if this will ever be over. I don't know if I would survive it. I don't know if the hardships would make or break me. But it made you. And I know you deserved it.

"Every morning I am scared to open my eyes and breathe. "

I could hear your voice echo behind me. I could hear the voices speaking to me. Scaring me. they were my voices. Were you telling yourself to not open your eyes? I was scared to open my eyes, scared to let the sunlight grace my soul. Scared to look around. Scared that even if I saw the trees beside me, I would enervate. Scared that I wasn't going to fulfill the prophecies. Scared to let someone down. 

Scared to write today. Scared to take a breath and let myself know that I had lived another day through the apocalyptic times. Scared that everything was going to end in the blink of an eye. Scared I couldn't give myself enough credit. Scared of myself. Scared of my dreams. Scared of my reality. I bet you were too. Scared of your skin.

"I hope everything disappears."

Every day starts with a wish. A wish to have a good day. And yet here I am. The evil bitch. Wanting everything to disappear into the mist. The green menacing mist that resides in my turbulent waters. The mist that talks to me. The mist leads me to all dark places, unlike the North Star. The mist obscures everything. 

I hope everything dissolves into nothingness one day. Me, myself, and I. Did you feel your music disappear too? Did you ever wish to be dissolved into your music, by your music, or with your music? Every day was the same for me. Piece by piece disappearing into nothingness and numbness.

"Don't fall away."

Probably consoling myself to not fall. Trying to hold onto the broken piece of me. The damaged part. The unwanted self. Trying to hold onto the broken you. In my dreams.

Talking in my dreams. Talking to the dreams. So far away. Don't fall away. Don't fly away. You.