Healing

Let's start at the beginning

When I was younger, my best friend was my older brother Lane. Lane was a good older brother, he was kind and sensitive. While yes, we had our fights, he was always there for me in the early years and for that, I'm grateful. There are a lot of things Lane never knew though. 

I was born into a very religious household. I never minded, I think I believe in it too, but part of me isn't sure. I choose to stick with it though. While it hasn't affected my home life too much, it is definitely a big part of my life. My mother was always singing to me, and my dad and brother teasing to me. My early years were beautiful. We had a good backyard, a big peach tree, and a loving community. 

That was great and all, but like everything good, it didn't last forever. My dad got another job and my mom got pregnant and we moved. The place we moved to was a lot less welcoming. I didn't understand that very much when I was little, but it's true nonetheless. That was where I started school. I did pretty well in school, I was above average. I don't remember a lot from this time but not much of it was good though. There are small bits that bring happiness and nostalgia, like riding my bike to school on that crisp autumn morning when I turned 6. Or going to the park and playing the floor is lava with my brother and his friends. The rest we can get to later. 

Continuing. We lived in that place for a while, before we moved again. This time we moved to a small town in Utah. I love that place. Everything there radiates comfort to me. From the barn across the street to the beautiful sunset, everything is just at peace to me. Some of my favorite memories take place there. Daddy daughter dates at the resturaunt down the street, ATV rides down the country roads, riding my bike to school. All of it just seemed kind of perfect to me. Lane and I would climb around in the weeds and tractors when we were bored, we would play soccer in the front yard with Dad. I miss that. That's also where my other sister was born. So to help you keep track that's Lane(12), me(8), Missy(4), and Lizzy. 

Now, just because that place holds a lot of great memories and happiness doesn't mean it didn't have it's issues associated. I think that's when me and Lane started drifting apart. Lane was going into that prepubescent phase of life where he was learning how the world works while I was still stuck in my own little 8 year old world. He, understandably, started getting angry. After all, realizing the world isn't a nice place is a hard reality to come to. That doesn't mean he was a terrible brother by any means, we were just in very different phases of growing up. That's also when my body image issues began. I wasn't overweight, but I was more developed than the rest of the girls. I was really tall, and I had a solid frame with broad shoulders. I was very pretty. By all definitions of the word. I had these pure blue eyes and bright blonde hair, with a cute little chin that jutted out a little more than most. But when you're a kid you don't see that. You see that all of the other little girls have small shoulders, petite frames, and are short and cute. 

Moving away from that place was hard for me. I loved it there. But my dad got another job. The new place we moved to was good as well. I had a large room, it was initially supposed to be a living/family room, but the house was built a little weird so that became my room. It was a good home, a big backyard, all of it was lovely. My parents however, wanted a larger house, and more freedom to do what they wanted so we moved again. To where I live now.