Healing

Snapping

(TW)

Life has gotten impossible. I'm so constantly tired that no interaction that isn't absolutely necessary is worth it. All I want to do is sleep. I wake up, I go to school, I come home and I sleep. I don't eat or drink nearly as much as I should, the only thing keeping me going right now is the fact that school is over in two days. Once school's over, I will have time to not be tired. I can sleep and rest and recover from the school year. Once that's done. I will be okay. Even if I'm pretty  much a zombie right now, it'll be okay. 

2 days later..

It's the last day of school. I'm so ready to be done and go home. As much as I adore my friends today is not my day, and I need to find my comfort place again. So as I go through my last few classes, I'm hanging on to that thought. 3 more classes. 2 more classes. 1 more-

"Hey Mads, do you wanna hang out after school? As a 'celebrating the end of the year' thing?" Manny. Manny is a person. See me and Manny have been friends since 6th grade. He probably knows me better than anyone honestly, but Manny is also a large personality. And especially recently, he's been a major pain in the ass. So my initial reaction is hell to the no, but I find the strength to remember my manners. 

"Maybe, let me ask my mom," I respond. It's the easiest way to get out of doing shit I don't want to. I text my mom and ask her, but of course she has to be a decent human being and say "sure". Know what, screw it, a couple hours of hanging out with friends won't be the death of me. 

"Yeah I can go, just right after school?" I ask.

"Yeah, we're meeting at Johnny's house, he's just around the corner."

Okay we're doing this. People. Yay. 

Once school's over, I head over to Johnny's house. He's just a block away from the school so it isn't a chore. In all honesty, I head into this event preparing to be miserable. But, it's actually really fun. We walked around our town, jumped into the canal, went swimming and I enjoyed it. To be fair it wasn't my favorite group of people, but Johnny, Manny, Lena, Alice, and Matt aren't the worst people. They're all very fun and interesting friends. So when it's finally time to go home, I'm not relieved like I thought I would be, I'm a little sad. I liked it today. I got sunburnt and had fun and it's been a while since I've been able to do that. But I still have to go home, so I wave goodbye, and hop in my moms car. 

And when I get home, I think, it's gonna get better now. I'm free and I can be happy now.

The next day one of my friends invites me to go rollerblading. And since I'm still in a good mood, I'm down. We go to the local rollerblading rink and it's a blast, I scrape up my knees, she almost dies a couple times, totally worth it. I also have a bonfire I'm going to later, so I'm looking forward to that too. 

***

The bonfire. That night was a bad night. I'm not sure a better way to describe it. I showed up at 10, right after getting yelled at by my father. He was grumpy because he had a bad day at work, so me asking to go out late was a burden on him, so naturally I got the verbal beating. But know what, I showed up and I had fun. I hung out with Jason. I was starting to think that maybe it wasn't just a crush. I think I loved him. And as much as my delusional ass is... well, just that, delusional, I thought he might like me back. So naturally the whole night I was following him around and trying to get him to laugh. We were good friends, but he was also really popular so he had a lot of people to talk to. As it started to get late, people started disappearing. So he disappeared too, which was fine, but I was waiting for a ride. Eventually Lia's mom took me and Lia home, but before they dropped me off, Lia told me something. And this something was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

"He knows you like him, and he does not like you back."

I sat in shock. I don't know what to say. My heart kind of shattered a little bit. But Lia doesn't need that. So I just say, "Okay, good to know." I never told her how deep the crush was beginning to run. 

"Don't overthink it, it wasn't meant to be anyways," she comforts.

"No it's fine, I don't want a boyfriend anyways." I respond coldly. I'm doing my absolute best to hold my shit together but every bone in my body just wants to scream and cry and break something and just give up all at the same time. 

"Okay if you say so, but we're at your house now, so please try not to overthink too much, love?"

"I'll try." I say as a way of saying goodbye. I step out of the car. I shut the door. And I put one foot in front of the other. The cold midnight breeze pushes me along, but the door seems so far away. My lamplight tries to guide me, but I feel frozen. But somehow I get inside. Somehow I get to my room that I share with my brother. He's not home. So I'm free. 

I sit on my bed. And I cry. I cry and I cry and I cry. I'm so tired, why can't someone just love me. Why can't someone just see that I'm done. I'm done letting everyone use me just to make them laugh. I'm done being the perfect child that gets perfect grades. I'm done being the good girl that will become a doctor someday. I'm done being the girl that will be a live in maid just to make her parents satisfied. I'm. Done. 

But as I sit there and I sob. Everything else fades away. Everything but my head. My head is yelling at me. I can't do anything right. And before I know what I'm doing, my nail is pressing into the pit of my elbow. Right where the nurses would be drawing blood. I'm pressing as hard as I can. Maybe I'll bleed. Part of me hopes I do. So I press harder. And harder, and harder. Until it's not enough. I go a different route. I start scratching my arm. I scratch and scratch until I draw blood, but something about it still isn't enough. Then I remember. The glass frame that broke the other day. 

So I take one of the shards of glass, and I press it to my wrist. Softly at first, but softly isn't enough. I press harder. Until it bleeds, then I do it again. And again. Until I realize what I've done. 

I just cut myself didn't I? I look down at my arm. Which is marred by three different spots where I have tried to hurt myself and I think. What the hell has happened to me?

And that was the beginning. Of fucking ugly life that I, Madeline James, have had to live.