Healing

No, not okay.

Everything is just a blur at this point. I know it's July, but the days are just that now. My dad lost his job, and instead of getting a new one he decided to start his own buissiness. I want to support him, I really do, but he has a family of 4 kids, he can't just do whatever he wants. He needs a stable job. Not to mention that means he works from home now. I keep asking him to watch the little girls but he says he's "busy". The reality of that is that he's playing games and watching youtube on his computer all day long. Sure he'll have a meeting once a day, but that's not enough to justify making me watch his kids. 

Sometimes I try to reach out to people, I talk to Lia every now and then, but it's busy in Florida. I've completely lost contact with Manny at this point, I can't handle thinking about him. I try to call Katelynn a lot because I feel like she'd understand this kind of numbness that I'm feeling, but she never picks up. So I'm just stuck in my never ending routine. Wake up at noon, lunch, clean, youtube, crying, bed. Anything else requires too much energy. 

And even just doing this much is hard. It's so fucking hard to wake up everyday and put on a smile. Even if I only have to wear that smile for a couple hours. And it overwhelms me. 

I stumble into the kitchen so that I can start cleaning. I put on my music because that's the only thing that makes me feel anymore. I work my way from the living room to the kitchen. The sun is still shining through the windows. It feels kind of cruel honestly. I peek through the window to see Missy and Lizzy outside playing in the pool. I'm glad that they're able to enjoy it. But I feel a shift in the music. A new song comes on, I've heard it on the internet before so I try to pay attention to the words. 

"And nothing hurts anymore I feel kinda free

We're still the kids we used to be"

I suck in a breath slowly. I hate this. I sit on the cold ground in the middle of the floor. 

"I put my hand on the stove to see if I still bleed

and nothing hurts anymore I feel kind of free"

 And here come the tears again. I feel my throat closing up. Shit shit shit. 

Don't cry, it's too loud, you're mom can't know

I try to stop it before . Nothing good comes from it. Just more pain. But I can't and I feel the water slowly creeping out of my eye.

"I feel tired, trying to make you love me

But everything I try, just takes you further from me"

The words are just hitting me harder and harder and the tears start coming faster and faster. And I find myself moving downstairs. 

I'm so tired. I can't do this anymore. What's the point. No one knows. I want to fall back asleep. When will this be over. I can't FAKE this anymore. 

My phone is in my hand. So as the tears continue to fall, coursing steadily down my face and neck, soaking my shirt, I call Katelynn. I know she won't answer which is probably why I chose her. It rings. And rings. 

"Hey what's up," I hear. 

Shit, what do I do. What do I do. 

"Hello?"

"Katelynn I can't do it anymore," I choke out. I can't breathe. My lungs are constricting as I try to continue, she stays silent. "Katelynn I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend I'm okay. I'm so tired, and I just want to lay down and never wake up. What's the point in living like this. There is none. I just want to stop. I want to sleep. I'm so freaking tired." At this point everything is coming out of my mouth too fast for me to regulate. But my voice is high and breaking. Everything hurts. 

"Oh."

Oh no. I said too much. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say so much, I just can't handle my life anymore." 

"No no honey, it's okay, I understand," she reassures. I try to breathe a sigh of relief but a hiccup escapes my throat at the same time. "Tell me more, what's been going on love? Sorry I haven't been able to pick up, I would have tried to answer more if I knew this was going on." I try to control my air. Stop the tears. Blow my nose. She needs to be able to hear what I'm saying if I'm gonna dump like this. 

"Everything Katelynn everything. I don't know. I've just been so tired. Even before the whole thing with Jason happened, I was feeling so exhausted constantly, but I was still feeling alive sometimes. But after that happened..." I steel myself. I don't want to tell her, she might react like Manny and I don't know if I could handle that. I force it out anyway. "I cut myself," I sob out. And just like that the tears are back and flowing steadily. "I don't know why, I just did, and Manny said that it was selfish of me to and I've just been feeling like shit," I squeak out. 

"I get that. I thought something was going on but I didn't want to press and you wouldn't let anyone say anything about your eating habits. And you slept a lot. I just figured it was end of school year burnout, but Maddy, it sounds like you're depressed," she says while trying to calm me down. Her voice was soothing. But her words were not. I'm not depressed. If I were depressed I would do all that emo stuff like dress in black and listen to dark metal music type music. 

I breathe. "Thank you, I need that, but I'm not depressed," I reply. She lets out a sigh. 

"Maddy, I've been through this, I've been depressed, I've cut myself, I lost my brother, I know what it's looks like and what it feels like to be so tired you give up hope. If this is really the way you are living, you need to talk to your mom,"

Aw hell no. My mom is the last person I would tell about this. I don't really know why, but being vulnerable in front of my parents has been impossible my entire life, even when I was little I hated crying in front of them. 

Don't cry, you'll make too much noise. 

Don't cry you're overreacting. 

You're just spiraling. 

"Maddy?" I snap out of my haze. 

"Yeah?" I respond. 

"Are you good?" 

"Yeah."

We talk for a while until I feel better about it. And I came to a rough reality. I may not be depressed, but I'm not okay either. And I'm not sure how long it will be like that.