Healing

Okay?

It's been about a month since that happened. I haven't done it since. It was weird. I've never wanted to hurt myself and I still don't know why I did. Sure I have friends who do it, but I've never felt inclined to myself. I just wore long sleeves for a bit. It all faded quickly and my mom and dad are too busy to notice either way. 

The days have been passing by pretty boringly. I'm still really tired. Everyday I wake up at 11, because I don't have a reason to be up earlier, I sit in bed for a couple hours before I need to make my sisters lunch. Lane isn't home most of the time so it's up to me. After I make them lunch, I've gotten into the habit of cleaning the house. I blast my music and start picking up the living room, once I'm done with that I move to the kitchen, then the dining room, etc. It usually takes around 2 hours but I have nothing better to do. I can't hang out with my friends, mostly because I need to stay home and watch the littles, but also because I realized that I don't really have a lot of good friends. 

3 weeks ago..

What the hell do I do. Manny wants to hang out with the group but I can't go out without a long sleeve shirt. I decide to just fuck it and go anyways. I wear a sweatshirt to cover my cuts, scratches, and marks. When I get to Manny's house everyone's hanging out in the front yard. I head over. 

"Hey Maddy!" Liza greets excitedly. 

"Hey Liza!" I respond. Liza and I are the only girls in the group so it's easier on us both if we stick together. Katelynn and Lia aren't super into hanging out in big groups like this. 

"Ey yo wanna play DnD?!" Manny yells from where he's talking to Johnny. I inwardly sigh. I hate playing Dnd. It's okay, but I've never really been able to get into all of the storylines and plots, and in the end everyone just gets annoyed with me because I'm not invested. 

"YES." Liza yells back. Welp this is what we're doing I guess. It's a bright day and it's not windy, so my sweatshirt is starting to get bulky so going inside is a welcome relief. 

We end up playing DnD for a few hours before everyone loses interest. Well not me, I was done about an hour ago. But we end up just watching a movie. It's pretty late at this point so I decide to go outside for some fresh air, but Manny follows me.

"What's up?" I ask. I'm honestly ready to home, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. 

"Nothing,  just wanted to hang out with you," Okay whatever. Manny's the most pick me person I know. It's all, "everyone hates me, I'm no one's first choice" all that dumb shit. 

"Okay, I'm not in a huge talking mood though," I answer. 

"No problem, I'm down to do all the talking," okay. Whatever. "So you know how I liked that girl?" I nod as I hop on the trampoline and lay down. "Well I'm kind of annoyed. She totally led me on and then went off and said she didn't like me." She didn't lead him on. She was nice to him because she's a nice human being and he took that differently. He hops onto the trampoline with me and lays down on the other side. "I don't know what to do I'm just so tired of people walking all over me. I'm such a nice guy and still, the only girl who ever liked me was Ebony."  Ew. One thing I'll agree with him on is that Ebony was a bitch. Major regrets. 

"Yeah she kinda sucked."

"That's one way to put it," he said while rolling his eyes and putting his hands behind his head. His short blonde hair caught the moonlight a bit. I decided to talk to him. As annoying as he might be, he was my friend and we've been friends for years, he probably knew me better than anyone. 

"Hey Manny, can I tell you something?" I ask hesitantly. He sits up mildly concerned. 

"Yeah, what's wrong?" I start out slow. 

"You know how I've been having a bit of a rough time lately?" I prod. He nods. I push it more. "right, and you know how I liked Jason?" Another nod. "Well I found out the other night that he knew that I liked him and he kept talking to me like nothing had changed. So in essence, he let me make a fool out of myself for 2 weeks. And I kind of snapped. Last night." I sit up slowly and pull up my sleeve a little. 

"Damnit Madeline. I thought you were better than that!" he scolds. I startle backwards. What the hell? "First Grace, the Lia, now you?! You're all a bunch of attention seeking brats. It's aaall about you isn't it. I can't talk to you once without you cutting in with your own bull. Do yourself a favor and cover it up and forget about it." 

Mother fucker. That hurt. I start tearing up. I can't breathe. I don't even look at him I just text my mom to come get me. Before I know it I'm running to the bathroom. Sobbing on the toilet. Of course, of course.

  He's right. 

I should be fine. I am fine. I just need to get over this. Just have to get over all of this. 

Present...

Yeah, and Lia is in Florida so I can't talk to her, and Katelynn rarely picks up the phone. I know it's because she's going through her own stuff and just isn't a social person, I just don't have anyone to talk to. So I'm on my own. And the days repeat like that. Wake up, make lunch, clean up, eat dinner, go to bed. And those days are filled with nothing but numbness and tears. 

Everyday too. If I'm cleaning and I hear a song that just hits a little different, the waterworks start. If I'm sitting in bed, watching TV, just trying to block out the world, my brain has different plans. I can't simply be numb all the time. I have to hurt. 

Of course there are days when I do other things. I do marching band, but it's kind of just another part of the rinse and repeat. I went to a church camp, thought for a minute that maybe it'll get better, but I just slept through the whole thing honestly. I've put on some pounds, which is really just so discouraging. It might only be 3-5 pounds, but watching those numbers go up just hurts when I finally got used to seeing them go down. I wish I had the willpower to just stop eating. 

This is just my life now I guess?