Healing

Tired.

Tired. That's the best way to put how my life is going. 

Since my mom started her job I've had to take care of my little sisters a lot more. It's kind of exhausting honestly. My mom leaves for work before we get up so it's my job to make sure that the little girls are bathed, clothed, brushed, and groomed before school. We also get home after her so it's also been my job to make sure that they do their chores before she gets home. Her new job is working at a disabled kids preschool, so she's always cranky and tired when she gets home and the house being a mess does not help. In technicality Lane could help, but he's never been the nurturing type, and he's really busy so he's not home a lot.

Because of all that my grades have been dropping, which is really frustrating on my end. I'm relying on grades to get me through college. I want to be a doctor or a nurse so I need to keep them up. Obviously I'm only in middle school so my grades don't matter too much yet, but I don't want to get into the habit of letting an A- be normal. I've always been a straight A student. So my grades having 4 B's mixed in is stressing me out. 

I show up to school at around 7:30. The night before my mom had yelled at me because the little girls didn't get to bed until late so I was a little cranky and emotionally drained. I headed straight for the band room. 

Lia's sitting in a corner reading a book so I head over. "Hey bae," I greet. 

"Someone looks vewwy vewwy tiiiired," she says as way of response. I roll my eyes and schooch closer. I'll have to move in a couple minutes because she's a clarinet and I'm a flute, but for now it's fine. 

"Someone is  very tired, speaking of how did it go with Grace?" Lia and Grace hung out last night, which was pretty rare because of their conflicting schedules. 

"Pretty good, it was nice seeing her again, I miss seeing her at school," Lia answered with a sigh. 

"Me too."

Before I knew it class had started and I had to move back to my seat. Our band instructor came to the front of the room, but before we began warmups he stopped us.

"Hey kids. Good morning, I hope you had a good day yesterday, I have an announcement. I'm having a baby!" The whole class immediately started getting excited. "Now before you get too excited, there's some bad news too. Because my wife is now pregnant, I need to resign from my position as band director."  No. No no no no no. "While I love this school and everyone here, I need a position that is closer to home so that I can raise my baby. I love you all and I hope you understand that I had to make this decision for the wellbeing of my family. Now rest assured that I will be helping choose your new band director, and I will make sure that it's someone who you will all thrive with. Now. With that all said, lets begin."

I was struggling to breathe. I needed to get out of there. My vision was getting blurry. I raised my hand. He excused me, I left. Before I knew it I was in the bathroom sobbing. I can't take this. They can't take away the one thing I love, they can't take away band. No not band. 

I'm so tired. 

I have to pull myself together. This is not the end of the world, I'm just getting a new band director. Nothing bad. Just something different. Stop overreacting. I try to control my breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Okay. 

I step out of the stall and walk over to a sink, leaning my hands onto the edges. I'm fine. I study my reflection. I can't stand my face. It's too short. My chin juts out too much, I'm too chubby. It's fine, I'll get used to it eventually. I make my way back to the band room eventually. The rest of class goes by just fine. After class though Lia comes up to me. "You okay boo?" 

"Yeah, just had to piss," I answer. 

"Okay if you say so," she still sounds concerned, but I'm not about to let her know I was crying in a bathroom stall. Again.  I walk away from her and to my next class, then the next, then the next. Then before I know it, it's lunch time. I don't eat anything. I saw a nutritionist a while ago because of my insulin resistance and she helped me figure out a good diet and put me on  some pills that will help regulate my body. At first it was okay, but I realized that if I take two pills instead of one and if I skip lunch, I lose weight. And it has made me so damn happy that I don't even care. I'm finally starting to look like everyone else. My friends of course were concerned, but I pointed out the fact that It's making me happy and so naturally it has to be good for me. They didn't want to agree, but there was no point trying to convince me not to. 

"Hey Maddy, I have some tea to spill my darling," Katelynn says, snapping me out of my dreamland. 

"Ooooh, spill," I prod.

"Okay so you know how Austin used to like me right?" I nod. "well I think he still likes me because he's been texting me constantly and his pervy comments have only been coming faster and faster."

"Ew. The guys nasty, don't date him. For all of our sake's. Please," I beg. We're still sitting at the lunch table. Katelynn, Lia, and I have become pretty close recently. There are other people in our group, like Jake and Manny, but they're more of our big friend group, not really the inner circle. 

"I know, I won't, he's fugly as hell, but I just thought I'd update you."

"Bitch he ain't just fugly, he looks like an inbred goat had a baby with a yak and decided not to abort him because she needed the child support," Lia added. She wasn't wrong, the guy looked nasty, but she has no filter so this was kind of just the usual. 

"He's not that  bad," Katelynn reasoned. 

"Yes he is, don't even try to defend that," I add in. She ain't allowed to date that man-child on my watch. She gives a sigh and we decide to go outside. I take a nap on the grass, something that has become a daily habit now, while Katelynn and Lia debate on whether Hades and Persephone were a toxic couple or not. 

The rest of the school day passes in a blur. Honestly I just zone out most of the time. Which is probably why my grades are dropping but oh well. I get home and at that point my eyes are just led weights. I want to go to sleep so bad, but it's only 4 o'clock. And if I go to sleep my Mom will get mad at me for letting my sisters be on their own. 

Know what screw it, I'll find the happy middle. I text my mom and let her know I'm not feeling well and that I have a migraine(I get those every now and then) before flopping into my bed. Closing my eyes, and falling asleep, just like I've wanted to do all day.