Forever Her Secret

Chapter 3

All the seniors were sitting on the senior patio waiting for the seminar to start. Every year our school does this thing where they gather all the seniors, and one by one we have to share our plans for the future, what college we want to go to, what we want to make a career out of, stuff like that.
After a while I was asked to stand and share, "ummm I don't know, I don't really care where I go yet, I just want to play soccer, so where ever will have I guess. And I want to study astrophysics." I sit down ready for everyone to stop looking at me.
I don't have a problem with public speaking, I mean I'm class president so it's not like I've never had to give speech's infront of the entire school before, I just think that the things that's throwing me off is how close everyone is, like the patio is cool and all but realistically it can only fit about half the senior class, so cramming all the seniors into this tight space is getting really to up close and personal for me.
A few more people went before it was Sam's turn, "I'm going to Ole' Miss specifically for cheer, and I want to be a nursing major." She said chipper, I stared at her for a few seconds so confused before pulling my phone out to text her.

Me : Wait what ?!?

Baby 💖 : Kenzie we've talked about this lol

Me : no we've talked about maybe going somewhere like. Mississippi, but nothing was ever really decided.
What about us ?!?

Baby 💖 : what do you mean what about us lol
You can easily get a full ride for soccer

Me : no I mean you're not willing to come out in california but you're willing to in Mississippi, where the homophobia and bigots are so much worse

Baby 💖 : Well no

Me : So what ? I'm just supposed to wait for another 4 years before I can finally be with you

Baby 💖 : when you put it that way it sounds bad

Me : what way would you like me to put it Sam? You, my girlfriend, are asking me to spend four years of my life either a, being out and getting hate crimed every week, or b, go back in the closet for 4 years and be miserable. While you get to skip around and live you're happy life, with all the straight white sorority girls, getting hit on by straight white football guys, while I'm just in the corner waiting for you to be my girlfriend again, in private of course, I wouldn't want to ruin your reputation like that.

Baby 💖 : okay look I get you're upset but I have no idea where any of this is coming from, and I think it's kinda unfair

Me : no, you know what's unfair, you saying that you love me, but then pushing me away whenever we're in a fifty foot radius of another human being

Baby 💖 : I do love you

Me : no you don't. Not enough to act like I exist infront of anyone that is. So tell me how that's love ?

Baby 💖 : look babe, I really don't want to fight right now okay

Me : no let's fight, show me that you care at all, cuz right now I really don't see it

Baby 💖 : I really can't talk right now. The girls keep looking over my shoulder and the guys keep asking who I'm texting, saying how it must be my boyfriend.

Me : Istg Sam if you are really about to do this don't bother texting me again, okay I can't, I just can't

Baby 💖 : no babe let's just talk in person after school okay, I really have to put my phone away before in of the guys grabs it and reads through our texts

Me: Sam, I swear

Baby 💖 : I'm sorry

Me : dude I'm not kidding

But she doesn't read the last text because she's already put her phone away. Was that a little over dramatic, yes, yes it was, did I mean everything I said though, also yes. Two years was hard enough, but now she's asking me to spend the next four, possible more depending on grad school, still being a secret, bo fucking way. I may love her, but I also know my worth, and I'm worth way more than being someone's secret for the rest of my life.
She tried to talk to me after the meeting but I just ignored her. She tried a couple more times after that but I ignored her every time. I really had nothing left to say to her, I genuinely feel that the only way this could be fixed was if she told people that she's gay and we've been together for two years now. But I'll never tell her that, if she does that I want it to be because she wanted people to know that we're together, not just because I gave her an ultimatum.
Later that night I was laying in my bed, the tears had just stopped after what felt like years, I felt like I was going to throw up from how much and how hard I was crying.
There was a knock at the door, "mom I already said I don't want any soup" I whined, there was no response, instead the door opened. I got up resting on my elbows to tell my mom I was fine again but to my surprise it wasn't my mom, "what do you want" I spit. She slowly walked over and sat on the end of my bed, "can we talk please" "Sam I have nothing left to say to you" I said scooting up to rest my back on the head board. "So what, you just want to throw away two years for one argument." "Sam, it's not just one argument, it's our future, and how you expect me to follow you around like a puppy dog for the rest of our lives just waiting for the chance that maybe one day you'll love me back." "But Mackenzie I do love you" "explain to me how this is love, because I really don't think it is anymore" "so we're done, all because I'm not ready to come out" "Samantha, look at me" I say taking her hands in mine, "it's not about your not being ready to come out, that's fine, it's about you dragging me along, keeping me in the closet with you, I deserve better, you deserve better, one day, who knows, maybe you'll meet a girl that's worth coming out for, but that girl is clearly not me" I finish, she nods slowly standing up to head for the door, as she's about to leave she turns around and softly says "goodbye Mackenzie" "goodbye Samantha" I say just as quietly, begging for her to leave fast because I can already feel the tears coming back.