Twinsized Matress [style angst]

Stan- march 14th

Its me, biggest loser ever, stan. i got big thoughts in my head, im taking things too seriously, im upset and pissed off and drunk... what else is new. Theres something different about me this time, and no, i didnt change for the better,i beat someone up. Ive gone full shitty person mode and beat someone up because i didnt know how to express my feelings, how to keep my anger at bay, or maybe try communicating first. But the problem is, i had no choice. kyle broflovski is the worlds biggest asshole.

Fucking kyle.

My best friend kyle. Thats who i beat up.

Ironic, huh.

It was his fault though, i mean, who the hell gets drunk for the first time at their best friends party, pulls them close, and kisses them, passionately. And then never says a thing about it again.
I spammed his phone and he never even answered me. Then, this fuckass had the nerve to knock on my door asking for oreos after he kissed me.

He didnt even say anything about it dude.

Fuck kyle. Fuck kyle so much i hate him.

All the stupid entries from the past few months just follow how i realised it all- it started with how i loved his company, how he was like my platonic other half, then it became his hair, the way it looked, the way i wanted to touch it, then his freckles, how i would have dreams of his freckled face, then his eyes, his bright green eyes that i could get lost in... as a friend. Of course. then it became his collarbones, the shine they had about them that gave me feelings a boy shouldn't have for his best friend, and then it was all of him. The way he looked, the way we would hang out together and it would make me the happiest in the world but the minute it ended my life felt empty, and cold, like i was going through life without reason, or feelings.

Sure, my life isnt pretty, and sure, im a dick for resorting to alcoholism and cigarettes to try and ease the pain, but it wasn't my dads selfishness, or my ugliness, or how i don't matter to my friends, it was kyle. That's why i am always so upset.. Kyle was always the thing that i missed the most, that feeling i have for him making me hate everything i am. What does that make me? Does that make me a freak? Or gay? Or wierd? Or am i just attached, and cant take care of myself..

I know what i am.

A fucking dissapointment.

That party was the worst. Kyle had the reddest cheeks ever, and when he pulled me close to his chest like that i could only think about the times i wrote about what a moment like that would feel like, the dreams i had about him. Before i knew it, kyle did what i had always been terrified to imagine fully- cause if i did, it would make me totally gay- what it would be like to kiss him. Sure, i never fully envisioned it, but i thought it all the time, blocking the thought as soon as it began. But i had given into the feelings, I mean, me and wendy broke up forever ago. I started spending the night way more, I'd touch kyle more often, i would literally give so many hints. I really thought that him doing that stupid shit at that party would be the end of my endless chasing him, hating myself for being gross and fearing that my feelings would one day ruin our perfect friendship. I just thought, that maybe, that he really liked me back. There, i said it. The worst part of that kiss is that now i cant even deny the truth, i like kyle. I would let him kiss me a million more times if that was what he wanted. But it wasnt. That prick got what he deserves.

You know at a time like this all i can feel anymore the feeling i always hated the most- the one that followed me wherever i went. It was anger. Angry at myself for being so gross and messed up for being so in love with kyle.
I loved kyle.
And i still do.
That fucking jackass.