Twinsized Matress [style angst]

Kyle- March 21st

I remember one time stan told me what having a crush felt like to him. It was in early third grade, back when stan puked on her every time he saw her. Stan sat on the edge of his bed and told me all about how it felt like you wanted to be around them all the time, how you wanted to to give everything you could to them, that you couldnt ever stop looking at their face, that they made you feel warm. Younger me thought that was stupid, but now, i realise what that meant, i lived through that feeling. I had been with a few girls a couple of times, but they never lasted, and i never got that feeling stan talked about. Honestly, that's always how i felt near stan, but surely that's just because we're friends and care about eachother.. Well at one point we were. Anways, i hate to say it but i miss him, i miss stan so bad that my heart and my chest feels physically.. broken.. and all i can do anymore is sit in my room and cry. my favorite most happiest memories frequently have his face in them. Stan had always been such a big part of my life until now, the reason i had always kept my cool, my driving force. When i needed to feel brave through parts of life i felt brave for him. It just bothers me that the way i always look at stan was always how he looked at wendy.. Maybe i wasn't that much to him all along. Or maybe he always meant a little too much to me.

Is that it? Am i so bothered by losing stan because i think of him as something more than a friend? I mean, im more upset about never getting to see stan again than i am because he fought me to the ground. Have i messed things up with my own attachment? Is this all because of my feelings...

I mean, there was no other reason for him to be so angry. Did i somehow let slip that he means so much to me? Was there something i did at that party, the only time i ever got drunk? If it was something i did.. and i just dont remember... i don't think i could forgive myself.

He really, really, means so much to me.