Twinsized Matress [style angst]

Kyle- june 15th

I dont know how much more of this that i can deal with, never speaking to anyone, never eating or living, and never wanting to. Ive been in my room a long enough time to know well enough how i feel now.

I did love stan, And if i had to say the truth then i would say that i still, really do. I mean, i never should have been staring at his silky black hair with as much feeling as i did. And i shouldnt still, even in my memories about him, think about how good he looks.

Stan told me once, when wendy was with tolkien, that i had no idea what it felt like to love somebody who loved someone else.
Stan was wrong.

Just because summer came, just because I've been ungrounded and forgiven by my parents, doesn't make me free, or feel better. The times that i eat are so rare that i pretty much shake, constantly, but i can't even bring myself to care. I'm not worth my time anymore, not without my driving force, not now that i know that my driving force wasn't just my best friend but my deepest, strongest crush.

I'm fucking gay. I'm gay for stan fucking marsh.

Well, I've decided. I've been alone in my room long enough to know that the life of kyle broflovski isn't one worth living. I've had alot of time to think about my life, all the ways i went wrong, all the times i fucked up, so i figure i may do one thing right. I might be taking the cowards way out, but you would have to be a dumbass to be me and still want to be alive.
Before tonight, i want to get it all off my chest. Not because i want anyone to know how i feel, because I'm taking it to the grave. Just because, i feel like this piece of paper deserves an explanation.

Stanley marsh is my best friend. He's been my best friend for as long as we can remember. We know everything about eachother, we practically live in eachother's houses, and we spend holidays together. Stan marsh is a boy with the biggest heart in the world, he's got a soft spot for his family, his friends, animals, he really loves animals. He may seem like he doesnt care too much about anything, but i know him enough to say he is one of the most caring people ive ever met. He's smart, and he is extremely brave.. he takes things head on and sometimes that can be stupid, but that's okay. He always tells the funniest jokes and he can do awesome impressions of alot of people, including every teacher at our school. I always felt bad for stan, because I've seen the way his own head changed him. The world is cruel to people who give it their whole heart, it crushes them untill they have to guard it up, hide it away to keep it safe under anger and alchohol. I never wanted stan to get the way he did, but i never, ever, was mad at him for it. Stan always knew what to do to cheer me up, to excite me or confuse me, he was like he lived to see my reaction to what he did. He had talent, he loved to perform in his own, introverted way. And he was so set on his opinions, you could never argue with him. Not that i could want to. I mean, he has this long, jet black hair that hung low over his eyes, his big, blue eyes, eyes that were like doors, revealing a whole universe of feelings and soul and personality behind them. He had dimples, and really pronounced, shiny cheekbones that girls would whisper about in the halls. It made my heart flutter the same way as it did to them, but i was never able to say anything. And stan always wore these band t-shirts that were too big for him, and baggy pants that were never anything but brown or black. He always wore brown alot, even when he was younger. It's his favorite color.  Stan liked music, especially rock and emo music. To stan, it was like music meant alot more to him, like he could feel it rather than just hear it. I could always tell from how he explained it. Stan always saw things with such a different view.. it must have been those pretty eyes of his that always made the world seem like it was full of more than it really was. I could spend forever looking at his eyes if my life had gone a different way than it had, if it were set to end on another day than this one. All i want to make clear is,
I love stan marsh. I love every little thing about him, every little thing he does, and i love that when he wakes up tomorrow, he will get to live through seeing another sunset.

I hope life gives him every single thing that i failed to.