Sword & Spear - A Sushang Fanfic

8: Emotional Decluttering- Sushang's side

Chapter art by Zury: https://twitter.com/miadlpxx

"And so... please do take note you will end your training with your partners from the Luofu in six months. This concludes this meeting. Thank you for your time, Cloud Knights. You may return to your training." And so the meeting held specifically for the Cloud Knights from the Yaoqing concluded. As the Cloud Knights began to exit the room, they talked about how they would miss the Luofu and the friends they made here. The last to leave the room was Sushang, who remained in her seat, realizing what that meant.

The temporary stay on the Luofu had slipped her mind from how much fun she had been having ever since she began to plan her free time slots to match his, thinking to herself that things would be more fun with him around. She had always wondered why his attitude towards her had changed recently, his smiles seemed to be hiding a little sadness in them. She had always worried why his smiles seemed sad, thinking he was forcing himself to be happy around her. At least until she had overheard his confession of his feelings for her.

Her partner had reached the same realization that her stay on the Yaoqing was temporary earlier than she did.

"That idiot."

Returning to her room, she agonized over what to do next. She had accidentally heard his confession, and now that her limited time was made so much more obvious she felt obliged to give him an answer.

Back in her room, she began to sort through her mess of feelings. She did like him, without a doubt. She did enjoy his company, and her recent episode mishearing that she was stricken with Mara did make her realize how much she had been taking him for granted, and that she wanted to delay going home just to be able to spend more time with him.

But was it romance and the desire to be something more to him? Rejecting him would surely cause him pain, and it would be self-sabotage if she realized later that her feelings were romantic. The reverse was true. What if they became an item, only to realize that they were only being carried away? Parting before her return would sour both their memories of their friendship, and passion alone would not be able to sustain a love that was separated by multiple warp jumps for hundreds of years.

As she hesitated on her decision, the two continued to hang out like always, and Sushang found herself randomly noticing subtle details. How he always matched her pace when they walked, how much broader his shoulders were compared to hers, his dramatic reactions when he ate something that was too bitter for him, how his hands felt when he held hers as they made their way through big crowds. His sad smiles when he too remembered that their time was limited. His loving gaze when she caught him admiring her as she sipped on a sweet drink.

Her feelings for him had been confirmed - she saw him in a romantic light. But could anything good come from a romance that would only last less than a year?

"What should I do?" She whined and agonized over her choices, as she looked up at the small Vidayadhara girl going about mashing herbs and mixing powders. She had become a regular at Bailu's clinic these few weeks, coming to whine about the pain in her heart and how it was surely a treatable disease.

"All I'm seeing are two people in love that are too afraid to admit it." Bailu huffed, cutting Sushang off mid-sentence. She hopped off the stool she was sitting on and handed Sushang a spoon with a black, gooey glob.

The two had made an unsaid deal - Bailu would hear Sushang pour her heart out, while Sushang would in turn test medicines for her each time she showed up to do so. "Just go talk to him about it. It'll be fine." She said while gesturing for her to take the experimental remedy.

Sushang gave the medicine a suspicious look before consuming it. It was bitter and pungent, where 'disgusting' could not describe how bad the drug was. She shivered as the medication made its way down to her stomach before retching. A strange, comforting warm feeling rose from within, calming her down.

Having taken down some observational notes, Bailu passed her a cup of water before she hopped back onto her chair and began to fiddle around with the remedy once more. "Well think of it like medicine. It'll be bitter and hard to swallow at first, but it'll be better in the long run, not just for you, but for him as well."

Bailu was right. Her agonzing over how she should respond had started to affect her concentration during training and patrols, and her partner seemed to be picking up that something was troubling her greatly.

She had to put an end to her decisiveness and face him head-on.

The temporary stay on the Luofuhad slipped her mind from how much fun she had been having ever since she began to plan her free time slots to match his, thinking to herself that things would be more fun with him around. She had always wondered why his attitude towards her had changed recently, his smiles seemed to be hiding a little sadness in them. She had always worried why his smiles seemed sad, thinking he was forcing himself to be happy around her. At least until she had overheard his confession of his feelings for her.

"Fight me."

If she could not find the words to say to him, then a clash of blades was what she needed.