Love How I Love You | WMBM | BXB BL

2 | Parents are mentally draining

JASON

When I arrived home, my dad was outside, hitting the punching bag. He halts when he sees me standing there. My dad doesn't say anything and I don't try to start a conversation with him. He nods towards the punching bag, indicating that he wants me to hold it for him while he takes a few swings. I stood behind the black leather bag, hands on each side, holding it tight. The harsh vibrations of his fist hitting the punching bag shake my arms. I steady myself, the heel of my shoes digging into the ground to keep me from flying back. 

"Where you been at?" He asked breathing heavily.

"Hanging with a friend."

I haven't been home since last night. Sleeping with Percy was a lost time and forgetting I had to be home.

"That white boy?" There was a hint of disgust that laced his voice. 

My dad has only seen Percy once. A couple of weeks ago, when he picked me up in his Benz. He never took a liking to anything or anyone in my life. He's ashamed of having a bisexual son. My dad would tell me if I was man enough, I wouldn't be liking dick. But nothing but straight pussy. He blamed my mama saying it's her fault I'm the way I was. It wasn't, though. One's sexuality is not the fault of someone else.

I like what I like.

"Yeah, him," I said. My dad hits the punching bag harder. His movements were sharp and fluid, as though he was fighting up against someone.

"What the two of you do?"

"Play video games."

Of course, we didn't play any video games. We played with each other. If my dad got closer to me, and took a good whiff of me, he'd smell Percy all over me. Sandalwood and Cinnamon.

When his hits to  the punching bag stop. I drop my hands, my arms still feeling the impact of his hits.

"You are hanging out with that boy a lot."

Was he taking note of how many times I hung out with Percy?

"Well, that's what friends do."

"Friends," he said, trying out the word, but he doesn't believe the bullshit that Percy and I are just friends.

Then again, maybe we were just friends. And just hiding whatever we had behind it. In some ways, Percy wasn't ready to face his own sexuality as long as it was with me under his bed sheets.

"Yeah, friends."

"You need a girlfriend."

"I don't."

"You do. My friend got a daughter around your age, a pretty light-skinned girl with good hair."

"Not interested."

"You like dick that much?"

"I just...I just prefer boys over girls."

It's weird having this conversation with my dad, especially with the kind of person he was. He was going to find something in me worth tearing apart.

"He really turned you out, huh? That lil white boy."

"No. Can we not talk about this?"

"Get gloved up." My dad said. "If I taught you how to be more of a man, then you wouldn't be going around chasing dick."

I walk over to the shelf and grab a pair of boxing gloves. My dad hops around, hands up and ready. I raise my hands and watch him carefully. He was a boxer in his late teens when he met my mom. His glory days ended when they had me. And he never let me hear the end of it, how I ruined his chances at turning pro like it was my fault for being born.

He tries to hit my face. My arms block him. I'm too slow to protect myself from his next blow to my ribs. My breath caught in my throat and I staggered backward.

"Fight back! Fight back!" he yelled with fire in his voice.

I found my footing. We circled. I swing my left arm to hit him in the jaw, but he dodges my attempt.

He gives me another chance to try to land a hit, and when I don't, he uppercuts me. I spat out blood. He's satisfied with that.

There were parts of me that craved a normal father-and-son relationship. What would that normality feel like? What would a father's love feel like? Was it warm and welcoming in all the right ways?

Instead, I felt his hate. His resentment towards me.

My dad got in a few more jabs. My lips busted, and my nose was bleeding. When he thought I had, enough, he chilled out. I ripped my boxing gloves off pissed and threw them to the ground.

Inside, my mama was on the sofa. Eating chocolate and watching reruns of Law & Order. She sees my face and offers a sympathetic smile.

I wipe the blood from my lips with my hand. She pats the spot beside her on the sofa. I sit down, staring at the floor. My mama curves her body into my side, her arms engulfing me in a hug. Her cheek pressed against the top of my head. The way her soul sings to me, the way a mother's soul should. I could feel my energy leaving my body when I was with her. She feeds on that until I'm drained and I can no longer stand being around her. My body is numb, my mind is blank. All I wanted was Percy. Just to make me feel better.

Peeling myself away from my mama I go upstairs to my room and shut myself in and silently cry. I'm choked up, my chest tightens and muted sobs burn in my throat. Between my dad and Mama, I didn't know who was worse.