The Illusion

Four

You'd think being home would make me feel a lot better. But for 9 days I've been trying to sleep in this bed. A bed he slept in with me. A bed that once was my favourite place to be.

I could stand it for all of 20 minutes at a time before I was sitting on my sofa staring at it like a monster that was trying to eat me alive. I had to get over it. I had to find a way to sleep because the 40 minute naps I was taking whilst sat up in the corner of my room were not enough and people were picking up that something wasn't right. You're out. You're alive. You're okay Freya. So why the hell am I sat here shaking at 3am?

I'd barely spoken. The handful of questions I'd been asked had received very short answers and I just haven't wanted to talk. It's not exactly out of the ordinary. Always in my own world, head in a book, earphones in, I'm not the most extroverted person out there. I like my peace. Every time I was opening a book right now, I could see the words. The letters on paper I had recited over and over again in that damp room. But now they were foreign. I had read the same sentence 15 times but I couldn't decipher it. The music was just background noise too. My favourite songs, nothing.

I took a slow, deep breath, forcing myself to my feet. Why are floors always cold underfoot? The rest of the house can be wonderfully warm but the floors are always too cold. I'm always too cold. Even in my 2 sizes too big pyjama bottoms and hoodie, I was shivering. My bedroom door creaked as I pulled it open, trying to be quiet so I didn't wake anyone up but not wanting to look like I'm sneaking around. There was too many secrets in this house right now. Secrets I'd found out, had been kept from me my entire life.

It's not that I felt scared in my own house. No. I knew for a fact between the boys and dad and the now constant guards watching the cameras dotted around the property, I was safe. I couldn't be anywhere in the world where people wanted me hurt less than right here. However, the men in this house were not the innocent people I had been told they were and that was making me reevaluate everything I knew as my life.

Dad's 'businesses' weren't - honourable- let's say. There was a lot of blood on all of their hands. It made sense. Dad's constant need for me to stay out of work business. The passwords, the security. I guess I was naïve enough to believe it was normal. That it was just to keep us safe from burglars. I guess it was, but more for intruders who had apparently been threatening my life since I was born.

Countless enemies. Countless. That's all I'd been told. People who wanted to cause my dad pain and targeting his family was the easiest way to do that. It wasn't unknown that I was the 'baby' of the family or that I had always had everyone wrapped around my finger. The youngest of 4. The only girl. Dad's angel. For 23 years, I had been the one people wanted. I was their way to get whatever they wanted. The long vacations away just me and Alara and the boys had never been because we could and we should see the world, it was because whoever it was at that time had gotten a little too close for comfort so I was shipped off to a fucking safe house.

Calm Freya.

Breathe.

I took the bottle from the fridge, filling my glass and staring at it on the counter. I don't even know how I'm supposed to get back into some kind of normality. I know this is normal. This family is normal. I just didn't know about how abnormal my normal was.

"You can drink it you know." I looked up. He had a name now. Password guy. Leo. Apparently he was new but had proved himself 'trustworthy and reliable' whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. "Couldn't sleep?"

"I uh- just needed a drink." He interlinked his fingers on the counter. I think I trusted him. I mean I didn't have a choice. But he hadn't given me a reason not to and everyone else trusted him.

"You know my room is dead next to yours right? My bed is against the same wall as your sofa. I can hear you sat there all night crying." I ached with embarrassment. The boys had taken bullets. He probably had too. If he was working with dad, he had to be from this kind of world too. He'd probably experienced things way worse than I did in the 12 days I was in that cellar. "No one is expecting you to be okay Freya."

"What? I'm fine. You guys have had - have had worse apparently. I'm fine." He raised an eyebrow, wrinkles forming on his otherwise perfectly smooth forehead. "For all you know I cry every night regardless of the past month."

"Yes, very convincing."

"I'm fine Leo. I'm going back to bed." I put the larger bottle back in the fridge, wrapping my had around my glass and walking out of the kitchen area.

"You need to sleep Freya. You're going to make yourself worse if you don't. Do you need something to help?" Was he really suggesting I take drugs to knock me out?

"No thanks." I could hear him following behind me. These halls echoed every footstep. Soft and close by but keeping some distance. I don't know why it was somehow comforting to have him around. He followed past his own door, down the rest of the hall to my room at the other end of the house to everyone else. I turned to him. Fingers wrapped gently around my handle. "Why are you following me?"

"It's my job to keep you safe." I nodded. Blinked. Stared. "I know you're still processing all of this Freya. It's a lot to mentally take on and I get if you don't want to talk about what happened in that room. I know you've not told anyone. But if you want to ask any questions, about anything at all. Even if it's what you deem as unimportant, you can ask me. We're going to be spending a hell of a lot of time together for me to do what your dad has asked I have to be near you 24 hours a day. I don't want you to be uncomfortable with my presence."

"What has my dad asked you to do?"

"To keep you alive and safe. Whatever the cost."

"So, you're my bodyguard?" My head tilted.

"I guess. Yeah." Questions. Hundreds of thousands of questions flooded my mind. "I can't keep you alive and safe if you're not sleeping. I need your brain clear in case we need to act on something. So," He reached into his pocket and stepped forward slowly. "This is a melatonin tablet. You know what that is?" He cracked the seal on the bottle, tipping one out into his hand and splitting it in half with ease.

"Yeah. Sleep hormone."

"Right. I'm only giving you half in case it makes the nightmares worse. If it does, I'll hear and I'll come sit with you." Leo reached for my hand that still held onto the door handle, gently pulling it off and placing half of the pill in my hand. "I've got experience in trauma recovery Freya. You need to be able to sleep through the night before you can start to work on it."

"I'm not-" Another eye brow raise. I sighed, putting the pill in my mouth and downing it with water. There's cameras everywhere in this house. If he's drugging me, everyone would know about it. He wouldn't be able to get away with anything here. I don't think he'd take the risk.

"Good. It'll take about 20 minutes. Try to relax, meditate. Get out of your head until then. Lowering your blood pressure will make it easier too." He pushed my door open and stepped back. "I'll see you in the morning when you wake up."