Useless Struggle!

Inner thoughts!

A/N: Cales POV unless said otherwise!

It's been a while that I was all alone. After all now I had a dragon to care of and two cats as well. Somehow it felt as if my life was centered all around them and this world instead of me. Nomatter what I was doing, I was just a slave to the world. It was starting to weight on me. I didn't really know if I was needed here and this was one of the nights where I knew that my thoughts would keep me away while I had a glass of wine and looked out of my window.

Am I really supposed to be here?

What am I even doing....

I am sticking my nose into things to just keep living but for what?

Why am I fighting this much?

What am I trying to achive?

Is it even worth it?

Maybe I when I stop being around these kids will find a better live...

Me: *sigh*

A sip of my wine brought me back for a bit and I looked over to the kids sleeping. The dragon was definitelly enjoying being here and as of right now cuddling with the two cats. They were still kids but I knew they would find a way around the world without me. 

I had this feeling for a while in my chess that something was wrong and I didn't know why but it was bugging me soo much. For a while now, I was barely sleeping and I was also barely eating. Thankfully no one noticed yet but something was wrong with me. I felt liveless as if the meaning of my life was gone. If I had to describe this feeling then I would say that someone just threw me into a bottomless pit or the ground beneath me vanished. There was no place, no object, no ancer and no person to hold on too. I really didn't know what to do with this anymore.

If I walk out of this room this very instant... would they care?

Would they even miss me?

Who am I for them to miss me?

For a dragon who wants nothing but freedom, I am certainly the one holding him back.

For these cats, I am surely the one who is just feeding them.

Then again... why am I doing this?

Why did I pick them up?

Is it because of my feelings?.... what a selfish bastard I am...

My thoughts started to overthrow themself. I was starting to panic a bit as I started thinking about what happened. I was not only selfish but I was arrogant and I was someone who didn't care about anyone at all. These kids were by my side because I needed them to survive. That was why I picked them up, why I acted cheerfull and why I lost who I truly were. Now all there was left was an empty shell without any kind of emotions. Was this right? Was what I was doing right? Was I actually doing anything that deserves to continue this journey of mine?

NO...

No matter how long or how much I would think abut it... 

There was just simply nothing I could say was truly something I did because I wanted it. I had to live! I had to keep living. That was the course of nature but was it worth it? Why should I go on feeling like shit each and every day? My family knew something was different about me but they didn't really care or I felt like this. 

Was there truly someone I could say was by my side to care for me?

I really didn't know and now being soo close to the forest made me think about everything. IT was a beautiful yet silent night. Everything seemed to be standing still. There was nothing that was moving around not even the evil which would lurke around was active today. I was by myself with no one to hold me back.

Why am I still alive...

I should be dead by now..

Maybe that is the solution to my problems?

The dragon would be free... the cat kids would certainly find a better place and...

My family would be happy to never see a drunkyard like myself.

I am just a leecher after all.

I don't know to do anything nor am I working for myself..

... what a nuisence of a life I have....

I was too tired for everything and since this was how I felt, I decided for the first time ever to go to the bathroom of this house we were staying in and take out a small dagger. I alwas had one around me for safety purpose. 

Should I end it right here and right now?

Wouldn't that make them more troubles?

But this might be a good solution too.....

Oh what should I do...