Undercover Angel {Ash Lynx x Fem!Reader}

Chapter 49: Even In Death, You'll Have Me

A/N: It's so great to be posting again! It feels like it's been so long! I've been focusing on myself and my health. I've always had some trouble with writer's block...again. But I wanted to get the chapter out and try to force myself to get back into writing because I miss it. I'm so in love with this story and all my others. Plus, I'm sure y'all miss these updates! I hope everyone is safe, has been doing well, eating well and has been celebrating any holidays you practice and support! This chapter is dedicated to 'what if i took it off for you' by Nemahsis. I hope y'all enjoy the chapter. Stay safe and always remember that you matter, especially to me!! <3333333

*THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A SOMEWHAT DETAILED CONVERSATION REGARDING SEXUAL ASSAULT AND THE TRAUMA RESULTING FROM IT*

Ash didn't even realize how vulnerable he looked in front of everyone. His smile reaching ear to ear and the small sway his body created just by watching how in gleeful admiration you were by the surprise he put together for you. It was like the inner child he didn't get time to experience came out before your very eyes. It almost brought you to tears to see him so happy all because you were happy. That's what true love was, and you were grateful that you'd finally found it and knew exactly what it felt like without needing to second guess yourself.
There weren't enough words to explain how much you loved Ash, but you'd do your best to tell him as much as you could muster when the time was right. You were hopeful that as some more time went on, you'd both eventually come together again as you were, or even stronger than you once were.
"Anna has been teaching me how to knit." Theodore mentioned, finally having the chance to tell Ash and yourself a new talent he enjoyed.
"Really? That's a great skill to have." Ash excitedly responded to Theodore, causing a light to gleam in his eyes. Seeing Ash that way with Theodore stirred up your heart more than Ash could know. As Theodore sat and explained all the things Anna showed him regarding the hobby, you couldn't help but giggle at the peaceful view in front of you. All the other worries and anxieties washed away like leftover grime on a dish. Spending time with your son and close friends was the elbow grease to help take all your fears away. Though you knew it wouldn't last long, you cherished every single millisecond.
"You look exhausted." Anna stated, her voice laced with worry for you. You turned to face her, shrugging it off. You reminded yourself not to shut down like Dr. Belzer informed. Half of your issues came from ignoring your own hardships and focusing too much on everything else. Your feelings and emotions were and always will be valid. You needed to remember that voicing them doesn't make you a burden and most importantly doesn't make you weak.
"I know, I've been working on it. I definitely wasn't expecting this."
"That's why they call it a surprise." Kendra bantered in a whisper, making you smile.
  "It's good to see you." You stated, embracing her. There was a knock at the door. You attempted to walk over and answer it. You overheard Ash speaking up abruptly.
  "Hang on little man, I'll be right back." Ash stated, standing up from the floor and bolting to the door before you reached it. You stepped back just as you were about to grab the doorknob. Ash beat you to it, grinning and all.
  "I'm assuming it's another guest." You wondered, a coy side smile present upon your face.
  "Yeah, just give me a second." Ash mentioned hastily, squeezing himself through the gap he made for the door so you couldn't see who it was. You chuckled loudly, shaking your head and stepping back some more. After some time, there was a burst of excitement as they entered the room. You were overjoyed, jaw hitting the floor and immediately covering your mouth while your eyes did all the work that your voice couldn't do for you.
  "I can't believe this." You spoke up in a whisper, placing your hands down. Ash secretly invited Max, Eiji, Cherokee, Ivan, and Adam. You were at a loss for words. There was so much on your mind that you didn't even realize what Ash was planning. He knew how badly you needed a break, even if it were for a few hours.

  About two hours went by like nothing and everyone was mingling well. Ash was even talking with Ivan a lot and they were both laughing at times while Eiji and Adam conversed with them. The happiness welling up inside you in the moment you were living in was indescribably beautiful. You and Max talked and at first it was a bit awkward for you, but you found yourself having so much respect for him. He was like the father Ash never had. There wasn't much in detail of Ash's past, but you read up on enough to put two and two together.
"I don't know how you do it." Max mentioned out of the blue curiously, begging to see what truly went on in your mind. He had seen countless horrors in the military, but it was nothing compared to the gruesome inhumanity of everything you dealt with on nearly a daily basis.
  "What do you mean?" Tilting your head at him, you mirrored his inquisitive expression.
  "I mean, how do you not crawl inside of a bottle every day?" You gave a light chuckle, self conscious over the question.
  "What I've seen has crushed me a lot—made me want to give up my career a few times. But I've never been the type to risk my health. At the end of it all, I would rather risk my sanity helping anyone I can than to sit by and ignore it. I'd go crazier if I didn't do everything I could."
  "If I have to sacrifice a little piece of myself to do what's right, then that's exactly what I'll do every single time." Your honesty was overbearing. He whistled, exhaling deeply. The weight of your words blew him away.
  "You're like a tank. Nothing can stop you."
  "That's the kind of compliment I like to hear." You joked, earning a laugh from Max.
  "Now I see why Ash trusts you so much." Max began, leading you to give all your attention to him.
"He can see much more than most that everything you do is always for others and the better of everyone else." You felt a bit of strain in your throat at his words. That familiar burning sensation attacking your nose was difficult to fight back. Still, you smiled tenderly, nodding at him.
"Just never forget to take care of yourself too. Especially with that little one you have." Your nodding became a bit aggressive.
"I'd never jeopardize my life or safety. He's everything to me. He comes before anything else."
"I hope you never second guess the kind of parent you are. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone." Max reassured, trying to help you gain some confidence back on what a great mother you are.
"You're doing what you have to keep the ones you love safe. You put him first, but in order to put him first, you need to make the world you live in a safer place for him. I get it."
"I truly appreciate you saying this to me."
"Hey, I was in the military, I didn't have the guts to keep watching my comrades die."
"I don't think anyone has the guts for that." You interjected. Max shrugged.
"Maybe so, but you do something most people would never have the mindset, heart, patience, or stomach for and I think that's saying something." Max made you realize something within yourself. Though you hated the way your job made you feel most of the time, you made a difference even if you didn't feel like you did. That realization was always inside of you, but needed a little push to show up. You hummed, truly grateful for his words.
"Thank you." That burning in your nose showed itself again, urging you to give into it. It was as good a time as any to let the happy tears fall, but you still held them in. After talking some more, you noticed Eiji seeming a bit out of place, especially after talking one on one with Ash. He headed off to the kitchen by himself. You followed not too long after he disappeared from the room you all mingled in.
"Hey Eiji." You announced yourself after walking in. He wasn't startled, but seemed to be bothered by your presence. You knew he wasn't agitated, but anxious.
"You alright?"
"Ash is always so good at moving on."
"Moving on from what?" You wondered, somewhat knowing what he'd say next.
"That's not really the right word I want to use." He thought, you tried to wait patiently.
"He's good at hiding it?" You guessed, earning a quick nod from Eiji. After a sigh, you spoke once more.
"I don't think he's very good at hiding it at all, just around certain people he seems to be holding it together."
"You both share quite a lot, don't you?" Eiji asked, not wanting to pry too much.
"Lately, not so much." You started, wanting to continue so it didn't sound so depressing.
"That doesn't mean we haven't been trying."
"We both—have been having a hard time."
"You both have been through a lot." You tilted your mouth to the side in semi agreement.
"To tell you the truth, I don't really have much to complain about." You mentioned.
"It matters of course, and we've talked through quite a bit, but the tension has been bad." Eiji looked at you with understanding.
"I feel the same." Your eyebrows furrowed without even thinking properly. You looked on at Eiji.
"Meaning?"
"It happened a long time ago, it wasn't even something I felt was horrible enough to talk about, honestly." Eiji didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it. Though, he gave you a look that said he wanted you to pry.
"What happened a long time ago? Are you saying what I think you're saying?" You pondered, nervous for the response you'd get from him. He only nodded. You inhaled.
"What are you saying? It matters more than you think. Just because you think it wasn't significant enough doesn't mean it still wasn't a traumatic experience, Eiji. It hurt you and that should never be taken lightly. Anyone who loves you will be there for you." You pleaded with the raven haired, shadow eyed man in front of you. He was so sure that the past wasn't good enough to even muster up in a conversation with Ash. With all the things he had been through, Eiji felt what nearly happened to him wasn't even worth bringing up in Ash's presence. Unbeknownst to Eiji, Ash was listening in the other room. Ash wasn't sure if you could sense him being there, but regardless, he was heartbroken by Eiji's words.
"Have you told anyone else about it?" You wondered, getting rid of the lingering silence. He lightly shook his head.
"No, like I said, it's not that huge of a deal." Eiji began, you stood before him, your mouth shut firmly as your face was contorted with sorrow. The pain is never ending. You thought. You didn't need to speak. Your eyes always spoke for you, saying things like, "talk to me" and "I'm here". Such a soothing set of eyes you had.
"I was captured by Dino a few years ago when I first came here with Shunichi. It was a few months after I met Ash. Yut-Lung was there too, but he was much more compliant—understanding in what he had to do. He too had a very hard life, similar to Ash's. He knew what his role was." Eiji took a few silent breaths, averting his eyes with a rather plain look across his visage. You only wished to be a pair of ears, acting as any assistance that Eiji wished for you to be to make the situation easier for him.
"I was tied to the headboard after being forcefully stripped of my clothes. Yut-Lung was willing to do it himself so the only one struggling was me. I was the only one tied up. Thankfully Dino received a phone call that Ash was there, looking for me." Eiji forced a smile after mentioning Ash saving him.
"You never talked about this until now? Not even to Ash? Not once?" You were curious, knowing that was something Eiji, Ash and yourself all had in common. The refusal to talk about traumatic events as if they'd burn you. Eiji shook his head, already expecting the question. You nodded once, averting your eyes to the side before sighing.
"He stripped me while Yut-Lung just kind of stood there. I felt like I wasn't really there, you know? Like I was watching myself out of my own body. I stopped feeling any sensation but I knew what was happening to me." Eiji scratched his head, taking a breath—trying to keep his cool.
"Yeah, but even though you can't feel, you still want to fight back." You began, catching Eiji's attention.
"But when you fight back, it feels like you're in slow motion—like when you run in a dream." You proceeded, blinking a few times. You weren't sure about Eiji, but talking about your fears and memories made you feel better somehow. Ash continued to listen from the hallway, clenching his jaw and fist at the same time. Loosening and tightening both the more he attempted to calm himself down. He felt responsible for it all. If he never brought you or Eiji into his life, the two of you would be fine. He told himself that every single day, but choked it down and tried to ignore it. There was no ignoring it anymore. Ash walked away while Eiji and yourself talked some more.
You stopped in the middle of a sentence after hearing a creak in the floor board. You got up to peer through the hallway from both ends. No one was there. You immediately knew it was Ash that had been near. How much did he hear? You questioned yourself.

After some reassurance shared between yourself and Eiji, you decided to find Ash. You knew he couldn't have gone far and he'd never up and leave the get-together he set up. You started to think that perhaps he had left without anyone noticing. It struck an anxious nerve within your soul. He knew how dangerous it was. Everyone was talking near the kitchen. You decided to head out of the apartment and see if you could catch him. It had only been five minutes since you noticed he had been listening to yours and Eiji conversation. Just when you put a foot forward outside the door, you caught a glimpse of someone in the corner of your eye. You looked down to your left and Ash was sitting against the wall. His head was slumped down and his arms rested at his bent up knees. You exhaled, laced in nothing but relief that you'd found him. He didn't look up, but he knew it was you.
"Hey." He stated, his voice deep and sounding as if he had been crying. You pressed your lips together, fighting the urge to hold him. You knew he'd prefer that for when the two of you were back at the apartment rather than out in the open.
"I know it was you standing outside the kitchen." You wasted no time. Ash's silence to your statement was deafening—he was so quiet in fact, that you could almost hear your own heartbeat. It was throbbing in your ears, racing to the anxiousness you were feeling upon saying so few words. The skin of your arms and the back of your neck felt like static.
"You better not be blaming yourself." You started, resulting in Ash to shoot his head up to look you in the eye. You exhaled shakily.
"What happened to Eiji and I is not your fault. And I've never blamed you for a single thing—I would never." Ash scoffed to himself. You walked closer to him, bending down and grabbing his hands; holding them between the both of you.
"Did you hear what I said? Don't shrug this off or act like what I'm saying is just to make you feel better. I wouldn't be saying this if it weren't true. You know me well enough to know I don't throw words around lightly." You took a breath, looking down at yours and Ash's hands. He didn't know what to say anymore. He was at war with himself.
"At least say something." You whispered like a wounded mouse. Ash's eyebrows knitted aggressively.
"It's just not easy to admit it to myself, you know? Looking at the both of you and how much you've changed for the worse after meeting me isn't exactly a heart warming sight." Ash expressed, letting his emotions out in a healthy way. You gazed at him, revealing the opposite expression with your eyebrows. A pained, yet aggravated furrow had formed.
"Ash, despite what you think, meeting you was the best thing that's ever happened to me." You admitted. Ash stared, wanting to hear more reassurance. You chuckled at his adorable expression before you gently cupped one side of his face with your hand. Tears welled up in your eyes and your nose was scorching at the incoming water works. You slowly caressed his cheek with your thumb, gliding your hand down to the side of his neck. Your fingers brushed against his ear before maneuvering your hand behind Ash's head to run those same fingers through his hair.
"What happened to Eiji and I had nothing to do with you allowing us into your life. It's because we both love you that we would do anything to protect you. Your enemies know that I love you and that's why they're trying to get rid of me." You grabbed a handful of Ash's hair, tightening your grip a little.
"This may be something you don't want to hear, but nothing but death is going to stop me from staying by your side, Aslan." You tittered to yourself for a moment before you continued. Ash showed a torn look.
"Though, I'd probably be the type of person that would stay by your side even in death. Who knows, maybe I would even haunt Golzine until he went crazy. Then at least you could get the upper hand on him." You joked, making Ash shake his head of the thought.
"Don't talk like that." Ash whispered with a hurt countenance.
"I'd be the one going crazy if you were gone." Ash cupped your face with both of his hands. He squished your cheeks to make you laugh. You grabbed hold of his wrists as you giggled with him. Your glinting eyes and untainted smile were what proved to Ash that you would never be broken. He would always have you.