A Step Off the Path

Amanda

Chapter 1

I hated her. I hated her with every part of my being. As I watched her die, I felt no remorse, no sorrow whatsoever.

I was free. Free at last.

My name is Manfred Thane - I was named after my father. Of course, I was called Manny by just about everyone.

When I was fourteen, my parents were killed in a motor vehicle accident. My sister, Prudence, was appointed my legal guardian by the family court.

She was nineteen and worked in a solicitors' office. She was studying part-time for her law degree and was regarded as sensible and responsible.

I'm not sure if there were any other alternatives considered and I can't recall anyone asking me my preferences. Perhaps they did, but I was still too fogged with shock and grief.

My sister had subtly dominated me for as long as I could remember. I complained to my parents on many occasions, but Prue was always far too clever for me. She would twist my words and hers, distort what had happened so that I looked to be in the wrong, not her.

"Manny, Prue is trying to help you. You should be thankful, not try to make her look bad."

"You need to listen better, Manny, instead of looking to make trouble."

I gave up complaining.

I sometimes copped teasing and name-calling from other kids: 'runt', 'wimp', 'fairy boy' and the like because I was small for my age. At home, Prue called me "Mandy" to help keep me submissive. I just had to suffer it.

There was a reason I was small. When I was about five or six I caught some sort of virus. It had impaired my physical development and caused me considerable mental anguish. I'd been receiving medical treatment and counselling pretty much ever since.

When I was about to start high school, Prue told my parents that I should be enrolled as a girl as this would put a stop to the teasing and bullying I was copping. I could go to a school that was slightly further away where I wouldn't be known.

My stupid parents agreed. I went off to high school as Amanda.

I hated it, but there was nothing I could do that wouldn't cause serious trouble for my parents, and I didn't want that because I loved my Mum and Dad and they weren't in the best of health.

When my parents were killed and I had recovered sufficiently, I told Prue that I wanted to abandon the girl disguise and revert to being a boy. No go.

I had a massive dummy spit, but still no go. I complained to my doctor and my counsellor. Both were sympathetic but took no action.

There was worse; Prue started giving me injections and tablets telling me they were vitamins or something to help my physical development. Bullshit.

Over the next year or so I realised what they were. They were hormones, causing my body to change into a woman rather than a man. I was furious, but what could I do? I felt helpless and was in despair.

I hated my sister and resolved to kill her as soon as I could.

Chapter 2

More years of torment passed, but what I realised was that I had to become more cunning; so I began to pretend that I was a 'normal girl' and to behave accordingly.

It worked. Prue thought she had won, but I still held onto my plan to erase her hateful presence from this world.

My high school graduation arrived. I was now eighteen and a legal adult. I could escape from my sister's dominance. But I wanted more than that, I wanted complete freedom and I could only truly have that if Prudence was dead.

I was invited to a graduation party. It would be my first party. I had socialised very little over the years for two reasons: I was ashamed about my enforced transgender status, and I had no interest in making out with boys because I wasn't gay.

Prue had her doubts about the party but eventually drove me to the house (I still didn't have my driver's licence). She then embarrassed me by coming in and 'having a word' with the boy hosting the party.

I heard her saying something about medications. "Yeah, you foul bitch," I thought, "the only medications I'm on are those bloody hormones you're forcing me to take."

I was having a good time; a few drinks and then someone gave me a pill they called a 'molly' or an e-tablet. It was a buzz, and then my horrible sister came back.

"What the fuck!" I screamed in my head. I have never felt a rage like it; I couldn't hold back any longer, I went for her.

I was standing over her beaten and bloodied body. I had smashed her head in with some sort of iron ornament, and I watched her die.

I'm not sure what happened after that; I suppose the police came and I was arrested.

Chapter 3

When I awoke, I was lying in a bed with restraints on. I guessed that I would be sent to prison. I didn't care; I was free, free at last from that awful oppressive sister.

I could hear people talking. I had a sly glance. It was my current psychiatrist, Dr Peters, talking to someone who wasn't there, a ghost. That didn't surprise me. Those psychiatric and psychological people were all a bit nuts, and I should know, I'd seen quite a few over the years.

"Prudence, it can't go on. Amanda smashed that place up pretty badly. It's a miracle nobody was hurt. The police had trouble getting her under control."

"It was only because that fool gave her that ecstasy tablet."

"Sure, that was the trigger for this outburst, but there are going to be others."

"She seemed to be getting better the last couple of years."

"We discussed that, Prue. It was mostly an act."

Big sigh. "Prudence, look, let's go through it once more. Amanda was very close to her father. The car accident that killed him when she was only five was devastating to her. She couldn't cope with it and she slipped into a fantasy world."

"You were in the car with your father, but you survived, virtually unscathed. Amanda resented you for that. And there was more to come."

"Amanda started to see herself as being a representation of her father. She wanted to be a boy, a boy called Manfred; a small version of the father she loved so much."

"Unfortunately, your mother, distraught and not in good health, indulged Amanda's fantasies despite the advice of the professional people."

"For around seven years, Amanda insisted she was Manfred or Manny and dressed and behaved accordingly. It wasn't a gender identity issue, it was a psychosis. She had lost touch with reality. Eventually, you stepped in, but it was too late."

"And then, of course, your mother died and you became Amanda's legal guardian."

"Prudence, I'm sorry to have to say this, but Amanda's fantasy world has become too well entrenched. When she discovers that you are not dead or, more likely, believes that you have come back from the dead, she will try to kill you again, probably for real next time. And she may attack somebody else she thinks is you."

"Oh, lord."

"I'm sorry, Prue, but the court will order her to be committed and I have to agree that it is the only safe option."