Vent Posts

Childhood

If you have watched Encanto and the scene with Mirabel is walking Antonio down the walkway to the stairs and it cuts to her walking down to when she was a kid hit so hard. Because when your a child you are born and they don't know whats gonna happen to them. And when the flashback of her walking down that walkway was so upsetting to me because she didn't know what was gonna happen to her. The disappointment she faced. The disappointment she got from abuela. I started crying so hard because I never knew what I was gonna be facing when I grew up. I cried so hard because I felt like her. I was just a normal child then I wasn't. I was a happy kid till I wasn't. I wanted to make my loved ones proud. But I couldn't and I didn't know how. I wasn't good at anything when I was little. I couldn't draw, play sports, dance, sing, or anything school related. I couldn't even write, spell or talk well. I was diagnosed with a learning disability at a pretty young age. Dyslexia. And I was diagnosed with short tern memory loss. There wasn't anything my family could be proud of me for. I wasn't good at anything. And I still not today. I can't draw or do sports. I can dance and sing but can't do it infront of anyone. I still suck at school. I stay in bed all day. I'm always depressed. I'm always anxious. I can never do anything right. I never want to leave my bed. I never want to leave the house because of the fear of everything going wrong. I always feel like I never do enough. I don't have smarts or physical skills. I'm stupid. I have health problems that make me useless to work. I can't help because of it. All I want to do is cry and lay in bed. I'm in pain. I know I bring up my pain a lot. But its the one thing in my life I didn't think would happen so early. My whole family has as health problems but they didn't get diagnosed till later. And my pain started at 12 and only got worse. I am only 16. And got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADHD in the same 2 months. It was so much for me. I didn't know how to handle any of it. I would be in pain forever. Have pains in my hands for no reason. Just start being sad for no reason. Being sacred of everything around me. Never able to concentrate and become annoying to people. All of that was so much that I wanted to die. Because I didn't wanna deal with any of it. Twice I had tried. It a 2 week span that I tried. I ended up in a mental hospital twice. Didn't help. No one understood what was going on with me. No one can imagine the pain I go through. And I hate it because I hate that no one understands. Because thats all I wanted. I'm tired of having to explain my pain or talk about my pain. I hate talking about my pain. I hate thinking about my pain but its all I can think about when its happening which is never endless. Medication hasn't helped. Therapy hasn't helped. I feel helpless.