Forbidden Feelings (Purinz / Chaewon x Yunjin)

Look At Me

THEN.

His name is Jay.

He's tall, brunette, a psychology student who's friends with Eunbi, and Yunjin is completely enamored.

They meet at a party in the first week of June, and by the second week they're exclusive.

Chaewon wants to hate Jay for being able to steal Yunjin's heart in a way that Chaewon never could, but it's hard to dislike him. He's hopelessly smitten with Yunjin, and Chaewon can't really blame him for that.

The jealousy comes in stronger waves than it did when Yunjin was dating Yeonjun, and this time they're accompanied by pangs of hurt; sharp stabbing aches in her chest whenever Yunjin lights up and smiles at Jay, because Yunjin has never looked at her that way. Not once.

God, there's really no helping it, is there? No way to stop the pull of Yunjin's gravity, no way to stop how Chaewon is drawn towards the bright beautiful light that is Huh Yunjin. Even after a year apart, even after Chaewon had loved someone else, even after she thought she had managed to forget the warmth of it, she can't escape it.

But Yunjin has a boyfriend, and boundaries need to be set. So she plasters on a convincing smile and puts on an award-winning performance, acting like her chest isn't constricting painfully whenever Yunjin talks about Jay. If Yunjin is happy, then as her best friend and nothing more, Chaewon can suck it up, push it down, and be happy for her. Even if she feels another crack in her heart every time she sees Yunjin lean up to kiss her boyfriend.

She is Yunjin's friend, just like Kazuha and Wonyoung and Yena and Sakura are Yunjin's friends. It's the only way Yunjin is ever going to see her, is ever going to want her, and the sooner Chaewon's stupid lovesick heart realizes that, the easier her life will be.

-

Alcohol, as the college version of Chaewon is coming to discover, works as a very good distraction to watching Yunjin fawn all over her latest boyfriend. So when Minjeong asks her if she wants to come to a party that evening, Chaewon stops scrolling through Netflix and says yes.

Chaewon doesn't know whose apartment she's in, but there's plenty of alcohol to go about, the music is good, and most of her friends are around somewhere.

Yunjin's with Jay, Kazuha and Sakura have vanished, Minjeong is flirting with a cute red haired girl, Wonyoung and Yujin have advanced from gazing longingly at each other to actually holding hands where they're cuddled up together on one of the sofas. None of which Chaewon wants to interrupt.

She's in the living room, trying not to look in the direction of the kitchen, where Yunjin is tucked under one of Jay's enormous biceps, when someone appears beside her.

"Hey," the person, a girl that Chaewon faintly recognises from somewhere, says with a friendly smile. "Chaewon, right? You work at The Cheshire Cat?"

Chaewon gives the stranger a suspicious look. She's only been working at the little café for a month, after she very quickly discovered how fast her bank account depletes now that she doesn't have her parents to buy all the groceries, but she didn't think that would be long enough to acquire a potential stalker.

"I'm Ningning, I'm Giselle's roommate and part time babysitter," the girl— Ningning says, referring to one of Chaewon's coworkers. "I think you've served me a few times when I've come in to try and get free drinks from her."

"You're the one that ordered that over-caffeinated abomination a few weeks ago, aren't you?" Chaewon says, recognition begins to dawn on her the longer she squints at Ningning. "The caramel frappe blast but with, what was it, five shots of espresso? And three extra pumps of caramel that came to like ten thousand won?"

"Yeah, that was me," Ningning says proudly. "I had two essays due that evening that I hadn't started so I ordered that, poured half a can of Monster into it and then shotgunned the whole thing. I could hear colors for a few hours and the comedown after was ten times worse than any hangover I've had, but I got an A on both papers, so."

"Glad to be of service," Chaewon chuckles. "Even though I probably broke some kind of food safety law making that thing."

"Worth it." Ningning shrugs, taking the opportunity to inch a bit closer to Chaewon. "You here on your own?"

"Sort of, I came with my roommate and some friends but they've all..." Chaewon trails off, waving her hand in the general direction of the party. "You know."

"Yeah, I do know," Ningning laughs. "Giselle dragged me here so I could be her wingwoman for some girl she's convinced is her soulmate, but it became pretty clear after like five minutes that she really does not need my help."

There's a few moments where neither of them say anything, before Chaewon feels Ningning glancing at her.

"So, uh." Ningning clears her throat. "You want to dance?"

Chaewon isn't stupid. They're at a party and Ningning, who is cute, (possibly?) into girls, and (presumably) single, is asking Chaewon, also cute (depending on the lighting), into girls, and single, if she wants to dance. The friendly smile on her face has slipped into something a little closer to a smirk, and Chaewon has had enough to drink that her inhibitions are a little lower than usual.

Unconsciously, Chaewon glances over towards the kitchen. Yunjin and Jay are still in the same place, only now they're kissing. Jay has his big hands on Yunjin's waist and Yunjin is giggling against his mouth, looking happier than Chaewon's ever seen her.

Chaewon has sort of begrudgingly accepted that a part of her is always going to be in love with Yunjin. She's loved Yunjin for so long now it's almost become a part of her, part of her life, part of her daily routine. But she's slowly realizing that she can love other people too. She loved Minju. Maybe not the same scale or scope as her love for Yunjin, but it was there, Chaewon is sure of it.

So maybe, just maybe, if Chaewon starts giving her heart to other people, eventually there will be nothing left for Yunjin to take.

Maybe Ningning is just looking for a fun one night thing. Maybe she's looking for more. Maybe Ningning is the person that Chaewon could grow to love. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Chaewon will never know if she doesn't try stepping out of Yunjin's shadow.

"Sure," Chaewon says, draining her cup of vodka and mango juice and dumping it on the table next to her. Ningning grins, holding out her hand. With one final glance towards Yunjin, who is far too busy looking at Jay to look at Chaewon, she takes Ningning's hand and lets herself be pulled out into the crowd.