Clair de Lune - K.M.

c h a p t e r t h i r t y s i x

Everyone thinks that they can change. Grow, become a different person, let go of things from the past. Move on from the things that used to haunt them in the middle of the night. I used to think that too. For a while I really thought that I had changed for the better, become a more powerful and self loving version of myself. I felt like I was no longer scared of the darkness within me.

I turns out that I was completely wrong.

After the incident with Klaus I quickly find myself falling back into old habits. Lashing out at everyone, drinking until I can barely stand, and feeling completely, utterly hopeless. Oh, and crying. So much crying. It's pathetic, really.

I don't know when I gave Klaus this much power over me. At some point he earned my trust enough for me to hand him my heart and have faith that he wouldn't break it. And I really believed that he wouldn't.

What a fucking idiot.

See, the thing about becoming a vampire is that everything is heightened. Love, grief, trust, betrayal. Everything is a thousand times more intense. It means that falling in love feels you're learning how to fly. It also means that you feel like you could legitimately die from a broken heart. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.

"Stella?" my mom says, knocking lightly on my bedroom door and pushing it open. "Baby, do you want to talk about it?"

I don't answer her. I'm curled up under my covers in my dark room, my back turned towards the door. I feel terrible, my body practically sick with exhaustion because I haven't been able to sleep for days.

"Stella-"

"Please stop," I beg, my voice just barely loud enough for her to hear me. "Just go away."

"But you haven't been to school all week."

She's right. I haven't done anything these past few days other than drink and cry and ask myself over and over again what I should have done different. How I could have stopped this from happening.

"Fuck school."

"Stella. I know that you're going through something but-"

"You're not listening to me, Mom. I. Don't. Care."

"About school?"

"No, about anything!" I yell, dragging myself into a sitting position so that I can look at her. "I don't give a fuck about anything anymore, okay?! I'm just- I'm so fucking angry and hurt and lost and I just need it all to stop! I need everything to stop being so fucking loud and to stop hurting so much! I just want it to stop."

I close my eyes and bury my head in my hands as I try to slow my breathing. My mom comes over to try and comfort me but the second that she sits next to me on my bed I shake my head.

"Nope," I say, getting quickly to my feet. "I'm not doing that."

"Stella-"

"No! I don't want your fucking pity or- or whatever you think I need. I just-"

I look frantically around my room, not even sure what I'm searching for.

"I've got to get out of here."

"Stella no, just wait-"

But it's like she's talking to a wall. Before she even realizes what's happening I'm grabbing my keys and heading out the door. I get into my car and drive, not caring that I haven't taken my makeup off or changed out of my pj's or even run a comb through my hair. The only think I can think is that I need it all to slow down. It has to.

I end up at the Grill. It's relatively empty inside, not that I would care, and I sidle up to the bar and flag down the bartender.

"Hey! Get me a bottle of your strongest stuff. Whatever you've got."