Good Girls R Bad Girls

Chapter 6: Not following directions Pt. 1

Man, I've always hated wallpapers. They always give me this old and creepy sense, kinda like a grandma's house. Or at least a horror movie one. The patterns are often horrible, sporting washed out flowers or vintage ornaments I cannot even figure out. I do like how they work for a distraction while I'm in my therapy session, as I get to stare at the walls instead of talking to the nice woman in front of me who usually waits patiently for a few minutes.

"How are those nightmares Jess?" Fiona asked me without taking her eyes off me. Whenever she did that, I felt entirely too observed. I had a similar feeling whenever Paul asked me anything.

"Alright I guess" I tried to keep my answers short to the point. We had already run out of smalltalk but somehow I wasn't ready to board the subject in question.

"It's ok to talk about it. This is a safe space" she tried to encourage me to elaborate on that. I didn't know how, but she sensed something was up with me that day.

"I guess I've had a couple of those recently, but I've managed by myself" I tried to be honest with her, without giving it too much importance. What had happened long ago I had tried to bury deep in my mind, but all my therapist wanted to do was to bring it up to the surface.

"That's good to hear. Remember to use your breathing and your logic, even when things seem darker than ever" she advised while wearing her brand sympathy smile, one I didn't really care for much but I had gotten used to it. All the woman wanted to do was help me. "Ok, so our time is up. Perhaps you should run this by Paul as well" she commented before shutting down the notpad I was always so desperate to take a peak at, but had never been able to.

"Speaking of him, I'm sure he's outside waiting" I said and couldn't leave aside the annoyance his overprotectiveness produced in me. It was a safe space for my emotions, wasn't it?

"Please don't snap at him again" she chuckled at my antics before opening the door to dismiss me for the day. No promises on that.

Indeed my dear guardian awaited for me at the lounge of the offices, always available for his young protégé. I decided to clear the clouds in my head in order to be in a better mood to greet him. Not only to be nice but also in order for the smart man not to figure out something was up with me that day.

"I don't remember the last time I had such a punctual driver" I teased my tutor as we walked outside where he had parked.

"You won't be getting your car back for a while, so I guess I don't have a choice" he said and opened the door for me to get into his car. "Did it go alright with Fiona?" he dropped the blessed question once we were both sitting down, belts on.

"She keeps saying that I'll be discharged soon, but she never bothers to be more precise" I explained the origins of my frustration with therapy as the car started moving.

"Have some patience Jessie. It's all for your own good" Paul said with his eyes glued to the road, but I knew he could still see me there, my look lost outside the confined space with four wheels. My mind was definitely elsewhere as I noticed the sun saying goodbye for the day. It was about time for me to be home.

I had never minded darkness, but ever since that horrible episode in my life the absence of light brought a strange feeling in me. As if my body knew about the monsters that lived in the dark and was trying to protect me from them. At least that's what Fiona had said. Anxiety was a mechanism to protect me, but it would often become a pain in the ass.

My humble home comforted me though. I didn't mind being alone normally, and I knew just how to cheer myself up after a long hard day. My favorite meal in bed (with my guardian's complete disapproval), my fluffy slippers and a movie. Before I knew it I had finished my plate, leaving it long forgotten on the night table for the cleaning lady to pick it up the next morning, and fallen asleep as the characters repeated a dialogue I had learned from memory by now. Yet somehow in the middle of my slumber I managed to turn the TV off, probably annoyed by the device's glow on my eyes.