An Insight Into The Mind of a Trans Man

Realization- August 20th, 2023

Realization
By Reggie

I realized recently that I have always known I was a boy.
Well I may not have known known but thinking back on my adolescence I noticed when I started to truly feel hatred for Cassandra
Pure unadulterated hatred for my past self.

I was fifteen when I started feeling uncomfortable in my skin
I was sixteen when I first felt gender envy watching Howl's Moving Castle for the first time.
I was also sixteen when I met a trans person for the first time in my life.
He was the president of the creative writing club at my high school. I honestly kinda had the biggest crush on him although at the time I was also crushing on my childhood best friend, Will.

I think the moment I really knew though was when I was seventeen, kissing my ex boyfriend, Christopher.
I didn't feel comfortable being seen as a girl In anyone's eyes at that point. I never told anyone about these thoughts of dating boys as a boy though.
I believed they would all find me weird.

Four years later I had graduated high school and recently got back in touch with one of my old high school friends, Ryan. He had explained that during lockdown and everything he had started transitioning and that he was afraid of my reaction to it.
Me being the kindhearted girl I used to be accepted him wholeheartedly but that was when I started questioning myself truly.
My adoptive parents showed their true opinions on the community around this time as well by misgendering my friend and even going as far as combining his name and his deadname in conversation
I was absolutely terrified to speak up so instead I came out as lesbian and tried that route, because I knew I was gay just not a gay woman.
I tried so hard to be a girl  that it just felt fake.

I just have never been and never will be a girl.
I had realized that I hated the girl I was and the reason Cassandra was never good enough for people was because she wasn't even real.
I realized that I hated my past life with everything in me. I hated Cassandra but I love me. I love Regulus. I love everything he stands for.
I love the man I have become and I truly believe that he is good enough.
That I am good enough.