Dissemble || Jack Gilinsky

Chapter 19

So this chapter is short but my last chapters always are. The next chapter will be an epilogue. Obviously this will not have a sequel, but I am starting other books. And I'll start another Gilinsky book. Please follow me so you know about it, anyways enjoy. And try not to cry!

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Jack ๑

I haven't left my room in three days. I haven't stopped crying in three days. I haven't even said anything out loud to myself in three days. The dreadful memories played over and over. The only sounds that filled this room were my cries and whimpers and screams. I screamed her name every night, I cried out enough tears to fill that dreadful pool she drowned in. Johnson wants to blame himself because it was his pool, but everyone knows it was me. I broke up with Madison, I should have said something all those times she would complain about my friends to me. Or she would talk shit about Blair. None of them knew who she was, I did and I still stuck by her for no fucking reason.

Tomorrow is the funeral, and I knew that wont be helping. I never even got to give her actual closure. Not the truth.

She was the only girl I've ever loved, or ever will.

I miss her so much. Her long dark brown hair, her bright green eyes, her beautiful smile. Her blood was on my hands and I don't even know how I could live with myself right now. I wish I could take her place, I wish it was me that hit my head against that fucking wall. She wasn't supposed to go.

My room was trashed. Just like my head. I can't even bare the pain.

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We all gathered around her casket, it was soon to be in the ground. Flowers were all over the ground and the sun hit the back of my head, making me sweat even more. Johnson and Sammy and Skate went from hating me, to feeling sorry for me, to forgiving me. They said that's what Blair would want, but I'm well aware she would bash my head in right now if she was here. Screaming about how much she hates me and loves me.

The priest called Skate up to speak. His eyes were red like everyone else's, Blair's mom was crying on Johnson's shoulder. Tears were threatening to fall from Skate's eyes.

"I think that day was the worst day of my life. I just want to rewind time to like that special night I spent with you. I want to do over every moment because now every moment is just a memory. I can't deal with the fact that I'm not going to see you for so long. Honestly I don't think I have even completely processed that thought yet and I really don't want to because then I'll break down and stuff and I just want to be in your arms this very moment. I just want to have the satisfaction that I'll see you tomorrow and I don't have either of those, which hurts me so much. I'm surrounded by people but yet I feel so alone because the only one I want next to me is you." And he cried just like the day she died. I bit my lip hard as I let the tears fall. Johnson was red in the face as it was his turn.

"You were like a sister to me. I loved you so much, I would have taken a bullet for you. You were my low-key ride or die and I knew I was yours. You don't cross my mind, you live in it Blair. I wish you would come back, but that's one prayer God can't fulfill." Blairs mom hugged him tight and it was now Sammy's turn.

I tired to control my breathing as Sammy didn't even let a single tear slip. I think it hit him harder than any of us. He thought of her like she was his mother since his actual one was never there.

"Do you ever just think about the first time you met someone and compare it to where you guys are now and it's like god damn who knew this would happen? It's hard when you miss people. But, you know, if you miss them it means you were lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing." He stepped down and I brought him into a tight hug. Finally I could feel him crying. I let my tears slip freely and when I released, it was my turn to speak. I took a deep breath and walked up to the post. I left my burgundy sweater on her casket before stepping up though.

"Have you ever regretted an action you did so much that you think about it all the time and you imagine all of the different ways the situation could have turned out if you didn't mess up so bad. Well I have, and I will be thinking about it all the time for the rest of my life. In French, you don't really say "I miss you."
You say "Tu me manques" which is closer to "you are missing from me."
I love that. "You are missing from me".
you are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you." I couldn't even feel my body anymore. My voice was cracking and I didn't have anymore tears to let out.

A few others spoke then they gently lowered her casket down. As they started to put the dirt on her casket, Me, Sammy, Johnson, and Skate walked to the other side of the graveyard. We sat in the grass, it was small hill, we could see the beach from here.

"You know, people say that you could feel them with you, but I can't feel a fucking trace." Johnson kicked the ground.

"Let's face it you guys. She was holding us together. We all had our own things going on. But her, she was our glue. We acted like we were the life of the party, but it was all her. She was the best person anyone could ask for." Sammy said as he rubbed his red eyes.

"I should have never let go of her when I knew that pool was there." I hit my head with my palm and Sammy held my shoulder.

"Jack." I looked at Skate.

"Yeah?"

"It was her own fault." He said looking towards the sun. His eyes glossed and I knew what he meant. She kicked around and she hit her head against the wall, I didn't make her. But I might as well have.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I have no idea how to live life." I said. They all agreed.

"Looks like we're all gonna have to take it one day at a time." Skate said. He was sitting next to me and I looked at him. He looked back at me and I cried again. I couldn't even fucking handle it. We all started crying, like fucking girls but we couldn't help it. I wanted to feel her, but I can't sense her at all.

I played this sick game of Dissemble on her. And I don't deserve it, but I want her back. They deserve it, my friends, my brothers.

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