Love Me // Harry Styles AU

Chapter 42

Chapter 42

Bria's POV

I wasn't sure what persuaded me to kiss him, I just felt like I needed to. After Zayn kissed me back in the dorm and I kept comparing it to Harry, I just needed to do it again because my mind could've been playing up what I remembered from that night at the party.

I could tell that Harry was a bit taken back by the suddenness of my lips now on his, which seemed to be the case every time I kissed him, even though this is just the second time.

He recovered though and began to kiss me back, more so than he did at the party, probably because he knew that I wasn't going to take my shirt off this time since we were in public and anyone could walk by at any time.

The kiss kept getting deeper but I couldn't seem to pull away. Eventually acquired enough sanity to pull away from Harry and he looked just as taken back as he seemed when I initiated the kiss. He was breathing heavily and we were both just awkwardly staring at each other.

I felt like it was probably more awkward for me than it was for him since I was the one that kissed him and with this whole situation you'd think it'd be the other way around.

After a few more moments of awkward silence, I figured it was best to leave now. I wasn't sure what to say and I felt like I shouldn't just start walking away back to the dorm.

"Sorry," I mumbled and quickly walked past him and into the lobby of the dorm building.

I wasn't sure why that was what I had said. My mind was a mess right now and my thoughts were all over the place. Saying sorry was the only thing that I could think to say in that moment and now I felt stupid. It wasn't the first time something like this happened today.

It occurred earlier today with Harry and I's hands accidentally brushing against each other's and I ended up blurting out an apology even though I really didn't need to say anything at all, it just made it more awkward and saying sorry just makes it even more awkward because that's not really what you're supposed to say in situations like that.

This was all just too weird. I wanted to stop thinking about all this crap but I couldn't. My mind just wasn't allowing me to. I hated Zayn right now for coming into my dorm room before I left with Harry and for distracting me and consuming my time and almost make me look a bitch to Harry for leaving him out there to wait, okay well I'd look like more of a bitch in his eyes because to him and everyone else, they all pretty much think I'm a bitch anyway so it's not like I had much to loose when it came to that.

I let out an annoyed sigh and ran both my hands through my hair as I made my way to my dorm room. I of course was hoping that Avery either wasn't in there or was already asleep or at least in the shower or something so when she came back I could pretend to be asleep although with her you never know and she won't hesitate to wake me up if she wants to talk to me.

It honestly wasn't very late yet so she probably wouldn't be asleep yet so I could rule that one out. I knew she would be asking me questions about what I did with Harry tonight. And like always with her, I wasn't in the mood to talk about it. I was kind of starting to regret that I told her about what happened with Harry and I at the party that night because now I was worried that she was going to use it as blackmail over me.

I don't know, I was probably just being paranoid like I usually was about things that I was worried about other people finding out. It wasn't that I was embarrassed about my friends finding out that I had taken my shirt off, I didn't care about that, it was the fact that I was Harry that I didn't want them to know about.

If they knew then they would be making jokes claiming that I now liked Harry and that Zayn had some competition when it came to who I hooked up with at parties or some crap like that. Even though it was Caleb's idea that I do this, he would still make some annoying remarks. More of the teasing about how he thinks I like him would come from Scott.

Caleb would probably be high fiving me for going through with what he wanted me to do which would get old after awhile.

Thinking about it now, it really was kind of pathetic that I was the one who kept kissing Harry. I realized that Harry had never been the one to kiss me first. I was always the one to make the move, and I didn't even like him.

If anything I had thought Harry would've been the one to kiss me considering that he was the one who actually had any feelings in this situation and had a huge crush on me since freshmen year of college. I didn't want Harry to think that I actually liked him, but if I kept doing this, I feared that he would get more confident with the idea that I do.

In all honestly though, I had only kissed them those two times for myself, not for him. I didn't do it because I wanted to kiss him, I did it because I wanted to see what I could get out of this, and that I could make sure I felt nothing towards him.

The time at the party was just me testing to see if Caleb's idea of using him as a friend with benefits would work, although it obviously didn't because Harry was a loser. A loser who gets tattoos, but freaks out when a girl takes her shirt off.

And then the reason that I had kissed him only a few moments ago was that I needed to compare it to Zayn kissing me in my dorm room only a few minutes before I had gone out with Harry.

Kissing Harry felt different from Zayn, which I didn't think was possible. To be it just all felt the same, I wasn't supposed to feel anything, they were all the same, it didn't matter.

But then there was Harry, and I actually felt something. I couldn't quite explain what it was, just that I didn't feel numb to it all. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I knew it wasn't going to lead to anything else so I actually had to be in the moment of it instead of focusing on what was going to come next.

I couldn't tell if this was a good thing or a bad thing. I supposed that it could go either way. I was leaning towards more of not being happy with this because it meant that I actually cared. It was the slightest amount of caring possible, but it was still enough to actually make me feel something instead of just being numb and having every kiss with different guys all feel the same.

I honestly hated this, I couldn't stand it. It bothered me, not being able to control my emotions like I usually could, well could more so than I seem to be able to now.

I couldn't stand that he was making me feel things that I didn't want to. There was this tingly feeling pulsing through me and I wanted it to go away, I didn't like it.

It was Harry's fault. He wasn't supposed to be like this, he was supposed to be overly geeky, he was supposed to be annoying and I was supposed to dread having to hang out with him and find the idea of him disgusting.

That didn't seem to be the case anymore though.

It was someone walking past me that I had realized that I had been standing in the middle of the hallway contemplating all this. I don't even remember when I stopped walking.

Nevertheless, I shook all those thoughts off the best that I could and walked into my dorm room, awaiting all the questions that were probably yet to come.