find my s/o

meeting the potential

How do you cope when you are feeling lovesick? There are people who fix their love life with finding another partner, even if they do not truly love that new person. They live in the illusion being over the past person and they try to strengthen that illusion with another romantic partner. Instead of giving time to their own soul, they rush everything, since they are convinced they got to overcome everything immediately due to the unbearable feeling of painful love. They choose delusion over actual healing.

[KIRIKO POV]

Today is the day Hana comes over for dinner, so we can talk further about our plan. Saying our plan feels wrong, though... It is HER plan. I do not really have a good feeling about this honestly. I mean, also the fact that she wants to do that with Brigitte is concerning to me. But somehow... I trust her. I could see in her eyes how much it means to her. She really does seem like that she wants to help me. Let's see how this plan will go. 

I am cooking dinner right now and Hana still hasn't arrived. Oh wait, I wanted to text her about dinner. I take out my phone and open our chat. I send her a text which includes that dinner is almost served, so she can get ready for it. After my message has been sent, the "seen" status immediately appeared. Was she that fast? Or... has she been waiting in our chat?! I catch myself having warm cheeks while thinkng about that. Wait, am I blushing? Or is it just hot in here, because of the cooking food?? I really do hope it is because of the food... 

She hasn't texted me back, and suddenly, I hear the doorbell ringing. This could never be her. There is no way she is already prepared and stands in front of my door while waiting for my message. My mother rushes to the door after hearing the doorbell ring. I hear the sound of an opening door. "Hello Mrs. Yamagami!", Oh god, is this my fantasy just playing with me, or is it really Hana's voice greeting my mother. "Hello Hana! I got really excited when Kiriko told us about you participating at our dinner!", oh dear god, it's really Hana! The conversation between my mother and Hana is still ongoing. "It feels like the old days when you would daily visit us to hang out with Kiriko! I have to admit, I got really worried when you two stopped hanging out together. I knew something happened. I didn't know what it was, but I saw what kind of impact it had on Kiriko. Now it seems like you two talked to each other yesterday and fixed your past problems!" Even my mother noticed that something was going on between us. I can't escape the senses of a mother, I suppose. I am curious about Hana's response to the words of my mother. "So, you really noticed something. I cannot really tell you what happened between us, but it is my fault. Now, I hope I can fix everything, so everything can get normal between us. Also, I really missed hanging out with the Yamagamis! I always felt save around you guys!" I really didn't expect such a sweet conversation between these two. Their words really give me a warm feeling around my heart. I also feel my face doing some movements. I can feel... a smile. 

"I really appreciate your words, Hana. I am glad you're friends with Kiriko. Now, let's move to the kitchen, dinner must be served and eaten!" While listening to their conversation, I prepared our dinner. My dad already took a seat. Hana and my mother arrived, either. I greeted Hana with a simple "Hi". Let's say, the said word was simple, but my face wasn't. That "Hi" came out with a very honest, and also kind of emotional smile. I didn't know why my face was like that. I think their conversation just touched me to some point that it still affected my mood and emotions. Hana looked confused by that smile I gave, but that confusion flew away after some seconds, and she smiled back. She responded with a "Hi" as well, but her tone was different. It sounded so... relieved? I also could sense some happiness in it. And not only that. She was smiling, too. It was a smile, which would be stuck in my mind for a long time. Her smile is so beautiful. There was a time, which was special. The time when her smiles were only meant for me. 

And again, I am stuck in that illusion. In an illusion where everything was okay. Where those bad things never happened. Those times when she smiled for me. When she cared for me. When she was warm to me. We spent every single day together. We were happy together. We were honest to each other. We healed each others souls. We laughed, we cried. And the special thing about it is, that I can say "we". It was always us. We and us. No one else. 

Now I realized what I also say. It "was" and We "were". And again, I realize, everything is an illusion. The reality drags me out of the illusion. It kicks into my face and tells me, nothing is real. She became cold. She ignored me. She... abandoned me. The "we" and "us" found its end. Now it is "I" and "me". 

Am I that unlikable? I did so much for her. I loved her. But my love wasn't enough to keep her. She left me. And I ran away. I ran away from reality. 

So, how will I be able to start a committed relationship with another person? What if I get abandoned again after showing my love? What if it all happens again? I... want to run. Away.

"Kiriko, are you okay?" I can't really tell whose voice this is. "Did something happen?". That voice seems to come closer. My brain starts being able to process the reality, and I throw my view to the direction of the voice. 

It's Hana. She is standing right in front of me. 

I can't stand this anymore. I do not want to see her anymore. I... hate her so much. 

I turn around and run into my room. I lock the doors and throw myself to my bed. I burry myself under my blanket. 

I want to cry. I want to scream. But this hatred is taking over my emotions. It feels like a darkness is taking over my body. 

I hate you, Hana Song.