find my s/o

seeing the pain

Some people hold themselves back and think: "they're way better off without me. They deserve a good person, not me." but this is only an excuse to not admit how much it hurts them.

[HANA POV]

I can't believe what I saw....

Yes, I do know that I wanted that to happen. I knew that's the consequence. Nonetheless, I have to bear it. I have to bear it, even if I wish it was different.

Maybe if I was born into a different family...

No. I can't think back to what happened. I have to stop this thought.

But.... couldn't they... do it not in front of me....

Kiriko knows about my feelings... and she still did that in front of my eyes....

I can't give her the fault. It was all my idea...

I can feel something on my face. My face... is wet. I am crying. I am crying, but why? Is it because I love Kiriko? Or is it because I'm jealous? Or is it because I'm hurt?

There shouldn't be a reason to be hurt. I hurt her. And I created that idea.

I... hurt myself. As if I was punching my mirror.

I look up to Kiriko, and she looks so worried. Is she okay? She just had a kiss with Brigitte, so why does she look at me with a worried face? Is she belittling me just because of my feelings she's aware of? Her look just makes everything worse.

"Are you okay?"

Oh, fuck. I forgot that Lena is here, too. She must be so confused, as much as the tone she had while asking me that question.

Now, what do I say? Do I pretend to be okay like I did the whole time, or do I start being honest?

"Can we leave, Lena?"

My voice is trembling, and I know I can trust Lena. She's such a good person, I think she can help me.

Without saying anything, Lena grabs my arm, and she seems like she's about to lead me to another place.

"Sorry, we got to go!!" Is the last sentence Lena said before going away together with me.

*

Now, we're in Lena's house. It's not only Lena's house. She lives together with her girlfriend, Emily.

We're sitting on the couch of the living room. Emily has joined us.

"So, would you like to talk about it?" Lena asked. I don't want to expose too much, so I'll only tell her about the plan.

"You know... I've made a plan. I planned to get Kiriko and Brigitte together, and I was very confident about it. But... seeing them kiss... was too much..."

I wonder what their reaction is going to be. Both look worried.

"Wasn't Kiriko your girlfriend for some time?" Lena asked. She still remembered it?

"Yeah! How do you remember?"

"You were so in love with her. Our chats were only about her!" Lena said with a laugh. Now I feel a bit ashamed, which makes me blush.

"Judging by your reaction, you're still in love with her, right?" Emily asked.

I'm like an open book. I'm too obvious, so I nod.

"Why did you break up? And why did you create this plan to get them together?" Lena asked.

Am I ready to talk about it? Am I ready to face my memories? The experience that has been haunting me. That event that had ruined my skills for intimate relationships...

"I... I have broken Kiriko's heart. After we got together, I behaved very coldly towards her. And without any explanation, I broke up with her. I was the only one who gave her the feeling that she's lovable, but I became that person who took that feeling away. I made her feel unlovable. I made her leave her home. She hates me. And I want to fix her broken heart... I am such a bad human... now that they even kissed means my plan works, I cried in front of them. Kiriko even looked worried. I surely made her feel regretful. I am such a bad friend... I shouldn't have talked to her again. I shouldn't have tried to get our friendship back. I made her feel bad again. I've made everything worse again. I..."

"Hana! Stop it!"

Is it the voice I think it is??

I look up to the person who said that and...

It's... Kiriko??

[To be continued]