02. WHITE

48 6 1

by gardeniaspara

by gardeniaspara

"I've always had a hard time expressing myself and understanding my feelings. It takes me awhile to process things— to understand my own emotions. I don't know why that is."

"So how do you know what love is?"

   I don't.
   I don't know what it is—
   All I know is: I've gotten closer to you these last two years.
All I know is it pained me to see you cry.
All I know is that I saw you for the child that never healed— for the little girl that just wanted love.
   You wiped your tears, admitting the past still hurt, apologizing that we had to see that.
All I wanted was to hold you then— to tell you it was alright.
But we're both emotionally disturbed:
   You who doesn't like to be touched and
I who doesn't know how to detect my emotions in the moment and express myself.

   And yet—
   You hugged me.
   You hugged me when I didn't see you for two weeks.
   You expressed you felt a hole in your heart,
   Which I playfully teased, saying you had no heart.
   You hugged me.
You hugged me.

   And you continue to hug me.
   Yesterday, as we were all together, you reached for my hand
   You reached for my arm
   You cried at the film we watched
   You were so beautiful
   Dressed in white— your favorite color
   Stressing, saying, "I need to look good for your friends"
   If only you knew
   Just how beautiful you looked before

I've told two people about you.
I've told them what I feel

"I don't know what love is,
But I think I've gotten close to experiencing it.
I don't know if my love for this girl is platonic
I don't know if my love for this girl is romantic
I just know I want her to be okay
I just want her to be confident and content
To see the twinkle her eyes shining just as radiantly many years down the road
To see her child-like smile more often, the kind that makes her cheekbones pop

I want her to be okay. "

We've always talked about the ideal partner,
In our delusions, we romanticize what a partner should be
But when we talk about our desires, you describe someone. . . like me
Whether you realize it or not, I've come to the conclusion that we would be greatly paired together.
We would balance each other out, like the moon and the sun, like the colors black and white, like rain and sun, like snow and living flowers.

I refrain from ever saying this
I only ever playfully flirt, assuring you I mean no harm by it
Assuring you that's just who I am: a flirt
And though partially true, I always mean the things I say to you:

"I don't care who I have to fight, but never you, my love."
"You're so pretty, I'm crushing on you"
"You're my wife, you just don't know it yet"
"I'd fight the world for you, my love"
"Babe, it's always just you and me— don't side with them, side with me. If you side with them, I have no purpose"
"Do you know how heartbroken I felt not seeing you every other day? There was a void in me"
"Please, don't hurt me like that. I can take shit from them, but not from you, you're my weakness princess"

I make you laugh, and on the occasion, your cheeks get rosy
I stop when I see this as I don't ever want to hurt you—
But lately you've been expressing more affection

Yesterday, I felt like you wanted to spend a little longer with me
You were so tired, and yet, you insisted on us talking
We talked about stupid shit, but we laughed and we sighed, and we smiled
"Thank you for inviting me— I had such a nice time. I'm so glad I've met you"

"She is cute," one of the friends who I told her about said yesterday when we were excluded from the group.
"I can see the appeal—"
"She's a sweetheart"
"She is—"

And when we went back inside, that same friend wouldn't stop glancing at me whenever you spoke of me

"I've never met anyone like that— who I can so easily talk to"
"You've made a great choice," my friend smiled. "A great friend"
"I know," you smiled.
And all I could do was smile. Smile as I watched you smile before looking down, too timid to look at you

I don't know what my feelings are for you
But you've made me reconnect with the little human in me that didn't wish to connect
You've helped me heal aspect of myself—
By simply being present

I bought you a poetry book— I didn't realize it'd be so romantic until actually annotating on it and leaving little notes for you in it
But I mean—
Would you really find it strange coming from someone like me?

   I asked you to meet me tomorrow, made it seem like an urgency
   You dropped everything and said yes
   "I love to spend time with you," you said amidst the stress in your life. "Even if just a bit, I'd love to."

I can't get your eyes out of my head.
I can't stop imagining what it would be like to simply hold you
And kiss your neck
I can't stop the thoughts—
And I'm so sorry, it feels like a form of disrespect
I respect you too much—
But I keep on thinking what it would be like to kiss you
What it would be like to hold you

And what it would be like for you to choke me.