DOS GARDENIAS PARA TI

11. BEFORE THE STORM HITS

It's been cloudy lately.
     Rain threatens to wash down any form of guilt, any form of regret, any form of hesitation.
     And there you stand,
     With a tiny umbrella
     As if sensing there'll be a storm.

    "You're in the trenches, my friend," Friend suggested as she took one good look at me.
     There was a sweet, but sad, look in her eyes
     Alongside the bitter familiarity of this feeling.
     "It's going too far— you need to step aside."

     "No!" Hades slammed his hands on the table. "You can't toy with someone's heart like this. Especially not Love's."
     "I'm not toying with it," I attempted to explain myself, but his anger surpassed my efforts.
     "You like her— but what's left to do? Hm? What can you do?" Hades was the voice of reason. The voice of reality. "What can you do?"
      "Nothing."
      "Exactly. So get those feelings and take them with you. There's nothing for you to do— nothing for you to explore. Especially not Love. . . she's your friend."

      My friend.
My friend.

     "You all seem so close knitted," Zeus thought out loud as he lead us through the trenches.
     "We're a good team," Artemis admitted. "We all get along. We all look out after one another."
      Angel was poking my side with a stick as she walked behind me, idling on the task at hand as always.
     I couldn't help but chuckle a bit at the child that stood behind me, however, my mind enters the Charybdis current whenever I turn to look at you.

     "You're the only person I'd ever let touch me like that," you whispered into my ear.
     My breathing hitched.
     "I keep forgetting you're forbidden to love."
     My heart reminded me that I'm alive.
     "Don't start with me. What ever happened to 'everyone but' me?"
     Blood traveling to my cheeks.

     "What'd she say?" Gia asked.
     "They're asking for you," Angel pointed at me.
     "To complain or-?" I confusedly asked.
     "To greet you."
     "You gotta stop flirting with everyone," Gia said as she made way, patting my shoulder playfully. "All these hearts you toy with."
     "What?"
     "It's always the same shit with you," Artemis playfully slapped my arm. "One day you'll really break someone's heart."
     I turned to look at you.
     You were silent.

     "You, without a doubt could pull anyone you'd like," Friend said loudly as I pressed my phone to my ear. "Anyone you desire."
      "You flatter me. Your love for me has blinded you—"
     You sat in the car next to me, sitting, and I hoping you didn't hear this conversation.
     "I'm serious—"
     "Let's talk about this some other time. I got Love with me right now."
     "Oh shit— right now? In the car?"
     "Yeah," I cleared my throat.

     Aphrodite had gotten comfortable around me.
     A friend, nothing more, we both know that.
     However, as she gets closer, you turn to look at us at the worst of times.
     As she greets me with a hug.
     As I playfully dead leg her.
     As she laughed so loudly she repeatedly hit my arm.
     As she hugged me out of gratitude for the flowers.
     As she puckered her lips at me and sent me a kiss.
    And all those times, you seemed more and more stern.

     "Your plans got ruined on Friday. Let's do something fun this Sunday," Athena suggested.
     We had all agreed to, however, you seemed more hesitant.
     "I truthfully don't think I can make it," you smiled as you rubbed your eyes. "I've been so tired."
     "Tired?"
     "I've been around people too much and—"
     My face instantly dropped and guilt began to creep in.
     "Not from you," you clarified, but my mind said otherwise.
     "I'm sorry."
    "You're just one person! I love being with you," you grinned, shaking your head. "But it's just this crowd. I'm always surrounded by crowds and my energy feels so depleted. I need to rest."
      "Of course," I nodded as I looked at you empathetically. "Take all the time that you need."

      And I shall too.
      What a perfect excuse to not see you in for the fourth week in a row.
      What a perfect excuse for this distance to build alongside of us.

      "You get that heart of yours, that infatuation, and you move on," Hades sternly said.
       "It's not infatuation."
       "Then what is it?"
       I looked at him.
       "I don't know. I just know it's not infatuation—"
       "You'll change your mind. You're liking the thrill, but that's all you like. The effect you're having on her— it's what you're after."
       I looked at him.

      "You're in the trenches, and you're dragging her with you," Friend said softly.
       "I know," I whispered. "I'm horrible."
       "You're not. You're just— it's human. You have these feelings for her and I think she does too. . . But in the end, you cannot love. And she knows this doesn't she?"

       "She knows this doesn't she?" Hades asked.
       "Yes."
      "Then you move on. And she will too. Before all of this gets out of hand."

       "I'm trying to have fun," I truthfully said as I sat in a round table with Artemis and Love.
       "To live a little—" Artemis smiled.
      "Exactly."
      "I could never," Love laughed. "I don't have the confidence to fuck around like that."
       "Well. . . You should," I smiled small.
       "Agreed!" Artemis nodded.
      "Live a little— despite what religion says," I sighed. "I don't want to regret not living enough— but I also don't want to carry guilt over anything done in my youth."
       You took a sip from your coffee.
       And I turned to look at you.
       "All the things I'd do if not for religion," I stated as my eyes saddened.
       You nodded, not understanding what it was that I implied.
       And so, I tried to get the point across.
      I slammed my hands into the table, leaning in closer, as I looked at you.
      "No, Love. . ." I said with a playful smile but sad eyes.

"All the things I'd do if not for religion."