DOS GARDENIAS PARA TI

07. PHYSICAL TOUCH

    Walking in, I felt the entire week's exhaustion hitting all at once.
     I wouldn't see you Sunday morning, not until later after
But it was during your absence that I began to reflect.
     There was that conversation we had
Repeating in my mind like a leaking faucet—

    You expressed how you never got any form of physical love— how your mother never grazed your face as a child,
     How you weren't ever hugged.
    "Do you not like it at all or do you just not feel used to it?"
      "I definitely want it I just— I'm not used to it and I don't know how to react."

      I was wiping some cups with a rag as I recalled this.
      How the day before, I had wanted to touch you so badly but held back in fear of making you uncomfortable—
      How instead of resting my head on your shoulder or hugging you, I hugged our dearest friend Artemis.
     How I rested my head on her shoulder instead.
     How I told you to hug other people instead of me to explore that side of physical affection—
     Why did I do this?

     Why did I describe that woman with red hair the same way I described you?
     "Scintillating green eyes, beautiful red hair, a beautiful and child-like smile—"
      I frustratedly slammed the cup back to its spot, feeling anger for pushing you aside.

      "But what will you do if she feels the same?"
      "Push her away."
       Your hands print remains on my shoulder as I think of you.
       I remember just how perfectly your hand grips it.
      How perfectly your hands feel.
How small—
      Your smile.
      Your eyes.
     I thought of these things, my mind grieving your absence—
     Until you came.
     You came with a half smile on your face.
     "Not even a 'good morning'?"I teased.

       "I've missed you," Angel grinned playfully.
       "I've missed you too, Angel," I said, ruffling her hair. "An entire week without seeing you!"
      "You were Angel deprived—"
      "And you me-deprived," I smiled.
      But then I saw you looking up and we made eye contact momentarily.
       You smiled and I wanted to instantly be by your side.
I wanted to hold you just as badly—
No, more.

"Is love wanting to be there with them every minute of every day?
To graze their skin and feel their warmth,
To touch their face and rub their cheek.
To simply hold them—
I've memorized her eyes, her smile,
I think of it every moment.
It makes my heart flutter,
It makes me feel things I've forgotten of.
Tell me what is love?"

        "What are some of the stupid things you do when you like someone?" I asked all.
        Some answered, but once again, I was only interested in your answer.
       "I don't know," you shrugged.
       "What about you, hm?" Artemis asked, shoving my side gently as she smirked. "What do you do when you like someone?"
        I looked over at you discretely, noticing how you went to get something that needed your attention immediately.
        "How do you get?"
        "I simply want to be around them. I flirt even more," I smiled as I turned to look at Artemis. "I become their dog."
         All turned to look at me.
         "In that I simply will do almost anything they want," I shrugged. "Anything to be around them."
         I turned to look at you once more.

      "The things I'd do for you."
      "Stop!" You laughed.
      "I'd go to war for you," I said, playfully shaking my head, leaning in closer to your seat.
      "Damn, for me?"   
     "Of course. Never for a country but you? Sign me up."

     Red hair and green eyes showed up today.
     My face flushed instantly as I remembered how I described her—
      I turned to look at you, seeing that you were clueless to who this woman was.
       Red hair and green eyes smiled at me.
       She was, indeed, very beautiful.
But that didn't matter when I just wanted to be near you.
When in my delusions, I just wanted to get her to talk to me so you'd see how friendly I can be.

"It's fucking pathetic, I turn into an attention whore," I rubbed my forehead as I shook my head.
Artemis laughed: "It's valid."
"Is it? It's problematic and insecure as fuck— but I just want the attention because that's what I give," I shook my head disapprovingly.
"It's human," Artemis patted my shoulder.

I stood by you whenever I could.
Shortly after we'd be separated by circumstances or people, but even then, I'd try to be around you.
I was just about to leave when I saw you were sitting.
I never disturb you when you sit on your phone—
And you never look up whenever you are as it's your time to decompress.
But this time, I sat in front of you.
I wasn't going to speak, I wasn't going to bug you,
But you looked up from your phone and took off your earphones off.
"I'm so tired," you smiled.
I looked up at you, smiling.
"I knocked out yesterday after our chat. Showered real quick and knocked out—"
"I'm sorry," I offered an apologetic look, but she frowned.
"Don't be. It was a good talk, I enjoyed it."
"I knocked out myself. I was going to do my readings but— I went to sleep instead."
"I'm glad you did. You need to rest," she reminded me as she smiled.
"I'm probably going to come here to study on Tuesday," I said as I shook my head.
"Do you mind if I join you?"
"You want to spend another entire week together?" I teased.
You laughed and nodded.

I want to spend all my time with you.
"I'm sorry I'm not speaking much," I tiredly rubbed my eyes.
They shook their heads, saying to never apologize.
"Even if we're not doing anything, I really like being around you guys," I sleepily told both Artemis and her yesterday.
But I looked down at your shoes.
I liked spending time with both of you— but I wanted to spend even more time with you.
I wanted to sleep then and there, knowing you'd be there.
I wanted to wake up and read, knowing you'd be there.
I wanted to see you in school again, catch you off guard as I greeted you from behind.
I wanted to see you every day.

"But what if she doesn't feel the same?"
"It's okay. She doesn't have to," I smiled.
"I'd rather have her not— I just want her to be okay."