New Romantics

Chapter 25

Sitting outside of Rita Lynette's office, I felt an eerie sense of deja vu. I wondered if it was me, or the walls of the advisor's wing, as though time stopped completely in a place like this. A place that was a juncture between students' dreams and realities.

The only inclination that time had passed—that I hadn't accidentally fallen asleep during a lecture and dreamed everything—was the way I felt. My pulse was steady. My nerves calmed. The shame that burned me alive from the start of the semester transformed into a steady flame in the center of my chest, pulsing with my heart, the flares of anxiety reminiscent of crackling logs in a fireplace rather than a raging wildfire ready to destroy everything in its way.

"Aria?" Rita called.

Anxiety flourished through me for a moment. Taking a deep breath, I held my arms close to my chest and steadied myself. "Hi."

"Come on in."

We settled into her office with comfortable silence while she pulled my record up on her computer. The stark whiteness of her office was replaced with a warm golden lamp beside her window, and the red flowers reminiscent of bloodshed were replaced with soft lilac bunches.

"I realized I was making people hate coming here even more than they already did," she explained when she noticed my gaze. Gesturing to the print of Van Gogh's starry night, she chuckled. "Just because I'm a pre-medical advisor doesn't mean I should model my office after a hospital room."

"I like it."

"Thank you." An earnest smile. "Now, how are you doing?"

"Good. A lot better than I felt at the start of the semester."

"How's your workload?"

I bit my lip. "It's okay. I have so much to do all the time, but I'm definitely juggling it a lot better than last time."

"And Organic Chemistry?"

"I have a B." Not plus. Not minus. Just a solid B. It's what I wanted at the start of the semester, wasn't it? The crackling log in my chest quivered and I imagined a loose flame reaching out of the fire to tease my chest with destruction.

Her eyebrows lifted with surprise. "And you're unhappy about that?"

"No," I said truthfully. "I'm just shocked that I did it."

"Your hard work paid off, Aria. You should be proud of yourself."

"It's the bare minimum."

Rita leaned back in her seat and took a moment to truly look at me. She was the first person I met when I came to campus. We'd seen enough of each other over the semesters to where she knew who I was, and what I wanted, and set the path to get me there. Unlike my parents, I couldn't hide this journey from her. "The last time we met, I asked you why you wanted to do become a doctor. Do you remember that? And you said it was the bare minimum. I don't believe you."

Her words caught me off guard. "What do you mean?" Did she think I couldn't do it? Was there something I was missing?

"You have ambition. A lot of people who want to do this have ambition, but your ambition is the type I see in the students who make it."

"Really?"

"Yes. There's a lot more to becoming a doctor than the grades. Yes, they are important. But if you don't have that drive, you will never make it. You will never fail to help all of those lives. And the only way you will continue—the only way the drive will keep you moving forward—the way way to truly thrive in a world like this one—is if you give yourself some damn credit once in a while."

Tears pricked my eyes. "I guess you're right."

"I am right," Rita affirmed. "And I am so damn proud of you for doing well this semester. I believed in you. I hope you believe in yourself and pat yourself on the back."

My vision blurred, then, and suddenly, every tear I thought was a weakness rushed forward, and I finally gave myself that inkling of grace I needed to come back to OU. Rita was right. I did so much. Yes, my parents sacrificed so much for me, but so did I. I needed to remember that. "Thank you, Rita."

She reached across the table and took my hand. "You're welcome," she said, squeezing my hand. "I want you to think about that, okay? Practice gratitude. Don't suppress your emotions, good or bad, and kick ass during your exams. I believe in you."

I smiled the first genuine smile in her office ever. "I believe in myself. I do."

"I asked you at the start of the semester why you wanted to become a doctor. You said it was for your family, remember? Has that changed?"

"Yes."

The Aria that sat down at her desk was different from the Aria that struggled to hold her head above the water. That Aria was lost in doubt and worry. That Aria stuck her head in the sand and pretended everything was fine until she was forced to deal with the fact that she wasn't. Despite everything, I loved my classes. I loved science and discovery. I loved pushing myself, even if it made me want to scream and cry sometimes. But I couldn't think of doing anything else. I didn't want to do anything else. Even if it didn't come naturally to me the way it did to others, it didn't mean I wasn't worthy. It didn't mean that, deep down, it didn't call to me.

A smile played on Rita's lips. "Aria, why do you want to become a doctor?"

"For me. I want to become a doctor for me." 

♡ ♡ ♡

One more chapter, friends. Thank you for being on this journey with me. :)