Ryder

thirty four

I've done something wrong.

That was the only thing I could think of, the only thought that didn't make me feel so dizzy as I escaped the dirty old confines of the bar with Ryder.

The night was dizzying and I was having a hard time concentrating on everything. Well, almost everything. I think, I wasn't a hundred percent sure though, that I'd managed to figure out one of the dark intricate tattoos peeking out from one of Ryder's t-shirt sleeves. Memento mori, it said. Although I wasn't sure. I didn't know what it meant either.

Someone touched my hand, my arm above my sleeve, and the fog in my head cleared just for the tiniest of moments for me to notice where we were--where I was.

We weren't anywhere near the bar anymore, but on a much nicer street with a 24/7 cafe board lit up right across. Ryder had driven me here on his motorcycle, I told myself as I glanced down to see that I was still sitting on it, my hands gripping the leather seat and my head hung low between my shoulders--as if that could somehow control the dizziness.

I flinched, realized I'd flinched, and watched something complicated flash in Ryder's eyes as he pulled away.

There it was again. I've done something wrong. Really really wrong.

I looked up at him and tried to explain to him that I hadn't exactly meant to flinch away from him, but my mouth felt dry--really dry--and I needed...

"Drink up," he held out a sealed bottle of water towards me.

I took it from him, swayed a little, and was only too relieved when my body didn't flinch away from him again as he stepped closer. It's just Ryder, I told myself. He was warm and safe. He'd keep me safe. At least for now.

With a clumsy hold, I twisted the cap open and took a sip. And then found myself inhaling the rest of it because I was so goddamn thirsty right then. Once I was finished drinking the cool water, I instantly felt a whole lot better than I'd felt a few seconds ago.

"Thanks." I exhaled shakily and tried for a smile.

When he didn't smile back, I felt my own faltering on my lips. I've done something wrong, I thought again. And then it was too easy to remember what it had been because my head wasn't spinning so much anymore and I suddenly remembered freezing in terror right in front of him outside that bar when he'd touched me. No, I mentally corrected my line of thought. No, he'd held me against that dirty concrete wall and I'd not seen him there in front of me. I'd seen Michael instead of him and I'd frozen.

"I..." I spoke softly, looking back at the cafe ahead of us. "I wish you'd taken me back to my dorm."

I felt his stare on me. "I will after you eat something." I don't know why I was expecting anger in his voice. There wasn't any. His voice came out just flat.

"But I'm not hungry," I whispered and straightened on his motorcycle, just then noticing a big beer stain on my denim overalls. I rubbed at it stupidly, thinking that would make it go away. But it was still there because sometimes the dirty stains never went away. I glanced up at him. "Do you think I should eat something?"

Maybe all this hopelessness was just because I was hungry. I couldn't even remember right then what I'd eaten last. When I'd last eaten.

"Yes," Ryder said. "I would prefer if you eat something before I drop you off." He waited, staring at me, and I relented because I found it hard to say no to everyone, but especially him.

"Okay," I told him softly. Then couldn't help but grin hesitatingly because everything about him made me feel silly inside. I leaned a little close to him. "Are you going soft on me, Ryder?"