Acquired Tastes

Chapter Twenty

Roman's eyes finally lifted back to Neil's, and Neil had never felt more vulnerable. As desperately as he wanted to look away, he couldn't; all he could do was stare back into Roman's eyes, helpless and terrified. And then, half a second later, Roman was taking the book and pencil out of Neil's hands, setting them on the roof beside him. For one horrible moment, all those scenarios from Neil's thoughts were true, but then Roman slid closer to him, closing the space between them, arms wrapping around Neil, pulling him closer. "I'm sorry," Roman whispered, chin against Neil's hair.

Neil sat, frozen, eyebrows lowered, eyes searching the darkened woods beyond campus. What was happening? This wasn't one of the possible outcomes...was it? Even if Roman didn't fully disappear on him, Neil had expected either disbelief or a wary distrust. He didn't know what to do with this reaction, with the fact that he could hear Roman's heart through his hoodie, with the fact that Roman was holding him like Neil was the victim and not the aggressor. For a long time, nothing moved. Finally, Roman leaned back slightly. "Do you want to tell me more?"

Neil lifted his head, eyeing Roman, and tried to speak, but his voice didn't work. He cleared his throat and tried again, still unsuccessfully. Roman offered him the book and pencil again, and Neil flipped back to the page he'd written on, almost afraid to find he'd somehow written something else. No; the words stared back at him, just like he'd intended them. I killed someone. He glanced at Roman, feeling his eyebrows lowering, and scribbled some lines beneath the words, now suspecting that maybe Roman had been the one to misread it. He shoved the book toward Roman, and Roman looked down at it, then met Neil's eyes again. "Yeah, I saw it," he said, gaze shifting back and forth between Neil's eyes. "You killed someone."

Neil pulled the book away from him. Do you not believe me?

Roman read the words, hand immediately shifting to Neil's shoulder. "No, Neil, of course I believe you." He studied Neil's eyes. "Are you...upset that I'm not more shocked?"

Neil didn't know what he was. Tears filling his eyes, he tried to speak again, but his voice still didn't work, just like it hadn't those days after the incident had happened. Why aren't you? Does that not creep you out?

Roman gazed at the word for several seconds, then met Neil's eyes again. "Hey," he said, voice soft. "Do you want me to be afraid of you or something? Neil...buddy...if you'd wanted to kill me at any point, you could have done it thirty ways in ten seconds. You've seen me fight." He gave Neil a sad little grin, watching the tears drip down Neil's face, then pulled Neil against him again. "Look, I trust you. I know there's more to this. And you don't have to tell me now if you don't want to...but...I know you, Martin. This doesn't change that."

It was all too much: the gentleness of Roman's voice, the words addressing parts of Neil's fears that he'd never communicated with anyone. He broke down crying despite his best effort, and Roman just let him. The rest of the world faded away, with almost five years' worth of emotions attempting to drown him. Neil had no idea how much time had passed by the time he lifted his head away from Roman, the feelings of guilt and shame about breaking down like this in front of him temporarily being consumed by an urgency to get some more of it out before he lost the nerve. He opened the book back up, sliding closer to Roman so that Roman could read as he wrote, and the words came spilling out on the page in half-thoughts and fragments. I was 14. He was my sister's abusive boyfriend. Lucy- the non religious one. No one in my family would listen to her. All I had was a knife. Neil struggled to see through the tears streaming down his cheeks, and his handwriting was barely legible due to the uncontrollable shaking of his hands. He was way bigger than me. It took longer than I meant for it to. I didn't know what else to do. I meant to make it quick. It wasn't quick. When I hold knives, I feel his body moving around it. I don't know why it took him so long to die. I know my only other choice was to let her get hurt or killed. Logically. But I killed a person. He stopped writing, unsure where to go next, his thoughts too large to fit into words. He glanced over at Roman, who lifted his eyes from the page to look back at Neil.