Me, Myself, and I

a brief reunion

Wires in his nose. A bald spot on the front of his curly head; skin like clouds against a blue sky, cheeks inverted. Steady breaths. A beeping, a machine. A pulse. Pulses are good. Still beeping. I forgot about the world outside the door, that I didn't have time, that the air had fumes and the walls were grey and I needed more caffeine.

"Ben?"

Steady breathing. A goodbye. I wanted a goodbye. Or a thank you. Or something. Kyle...why toss me in here unless... I needed answers, but I wanted a goodbye. I'd take what I could control. Just like Alex told me to.

I knelt beside him, avoiding the bleach fumes of the bedsheets. His hand was warmer than expected. Like a metal bench beneath a boiling sun. "Ben, I..." Steady breaths. Beeping monitor. I brushed my hand along the bald spot, felt my pulse throb against my fingers. I pulled back, back to a light touch of his fingers. "What am I supposed to say?"

He answered in silent breaths. I didn't see Max's lifeless body on his bed. I saw Ben breathing in that hospital room.

I squeezed his hand tighter, felt my breaths quickening with every glance at the door. But soon I wasn't looking at the door. I was watching his still face, closed eyes. They were gold beneath, flecks of brown. Then, somehow, I spoke, "I'm not going to tell you everything I did wrong here. I don't have that kind of time." Slower breaths. "But I will tell you, that you were wrong. You told me that...that...Ben, you're not like my brother... He...Max couldn't see the world past his own problems. I know, something we Whites have in common I guess." I smiled. The ceiling spun. "But with you... you're different. You look at me like you care about me. You act like my problems are bigger than yours. You act like I'm...worth something somehow.

"No one has ever made me feel like that, not really." These words. They felt familiar. But I was sure I hadn't spoken them. "And know that I am completely selfish in telling you that I want you to stay here. That even though I know you have to be going somewhere better than this hell we live in, I want you to stay here. And I wish that things had played out different. And...I've never been very good at goodbyes. Or at breaking the rules when it matters the most. Stupid stuff, cheat on a test, lie about a suicide. Nothing that really helps. Help myself, sure. But...

"I do love you, okay? I can't tell you how, because I can't tell you what I don't know. I don't know what exactly you are to me, or what I am supposed to be to you, but you are important. I do know that I love you. I miss you. I used to think that those two words meant the same thing. I think missing is just what makes us realize how deeply we can love. I think. Ben...I love you."

And the stillness he answered, my once slowing breaths were frantic. But I couldn't be caught. I glanced at the doors, the shadows flying by the crack that met the floor.

So I did the one thing I could do. I controlled the variables at my disposal. The wrong thing. But something I hadn't given him while he wanted it, so I gave it to him then. Gave it to myself.

I leaned down and met my lips to his. A gentle touch. Just a peck.

Maybe I'd never here him crack a joke again. Never would pull up to his mansion's driveway or sit beside him at our favorite Stacks booth. Never hear him order his chocolate chip waffles. Maybe the fountain we'd first spoken at would only be reserved for one from now on.

When I pulled away, breathed towards the hospital fumes again, his eyes were no longer closed. Shot wide open, the gold staring into me, color flooding to his forehead—he was there. But he wasn't. I stuttered back, grabbing onto the door. I was talking to a ghost.

"B-Ben?"

"Yeah..." He rubbed his head, his bony arms pushing himself higher up. His eyebrows scrunched. And, seeing the bald spot on his stitched head, it clicked, and I thought the floor could no longer hold me. That I'd drop through, close my eyes, and open them to see a world with angels or devils, a sovereign God who somehow planned all this in his favor, anything but people. People had flaws. People could forget promises. People were too imperfect for me do deal with anymore.

"Ben..."

And he confirmed it. Just had to confirm it.

"Yeah. Who are you?"