Me, Myself, and I

i achieve absolutely nothing

The holidays presented no opportunity for any epiphanies about my mother. Her relatives stopped paying us any mind the minute she'd carved herself out of the picture. Dad's parents wouldn't be of any use on the subject, though they did have experience where Dad's money was concerned. Weren't around town anyway. Christmas. New Years. Silent nights.

"Talk to your dad."

That's what I got from Valerie when I'd called her. I'd hinted the subject of the letter during our first phone call. Blurted it out during the second one. Finally asked her what she thought I should do during the third.

"You gotta ask your dad about it. All the answers are right there."

Dad. Right.

Her face was pixelated on the screen. I held the phone towards the ceiling, flopping into my bed. "He told me she was gone, Val. Never heard from her again. You really think I can trust anything he has to say?"

"I think you're scared. You're scared he won't tell you. Even more scared he will."

"Well, duh."

Kyle had ghosted me since our last encounter. Hadn't seen his car by Ben's, and I couldn't be seen snooping around there like a stalker. I couldn't burden Ben with this, either. His dopey-eyed expression whilst remembering none of our past encounters didn't hold much appeal. Alex was on vacation in Florida for the holidays. Brooke wanted nothing to do with me, already on the hunt for a new roommate, backpacking across Europe over January to avoid her sister. Everyone's little life circles were still spiraling. I was in mine.

"What exactly do you want me to do, Julia?"

My cheeks stretched towards my eyes. "The only good grades I saw in high school were when you and I were working together. I was thinking that while you're back in Delcoph we could—"

"Whoa. Whoa." She threw her hands in the air, flopping her pink hair around. "I'm sorry. I got a job on campus. I'm not...going home for break."

I felt my body sinking into my sheets. "Oh."

"And don't even think about sending me pictures of those letters. Sounds confidential."

I hated when she read my mind like that.

I pulled open my drawer, feeling the envelope between my fingers. The paper was more wrinkled, less smooth than it'd been out of that junk pile. Now my prints sat along the ripped packaging. Worse on the papers.

I wished her luck on break. She said she'd see me over the summer. Call any time. Not about this.

That was the last I'd mentioned the whole ordeal to anyone. Went through the holidays without a peep. Alex would call every so often to check in, fill me in on Florida. Sent a post-card with a palm tree on it. Dad was a busy man. Didn't realize I'd spent the majority of December and half of January digging through his box of personal items, dead end after dead end after dead end.

Semester break was almost up. And I had nothing to show for it. Alex would be back. Brooke. And I was terrified they'd be enough to talk me out of this whole endeavor.

The last of my unopened move-in boxes glared at me. I'd managed to get my bedding back in place. Was enough to settle in, avoid my dad's disappointed glances. When I'd told him I'd dropped out... Correction. When I flunked out, there wasn't a whole lot to talk about. Told him I didn't like it, saw myself going in a different direction. Didn't mention the hours spent at that stupid library, the percentages well below fifty I saw on those final exam papers.

Maybe I would've told him. Confided. All the fun stuff.

But I'd found that letter first.

The fact was, I didn't know what I was supposed to do next. Dad had files. A lot of them. I'd never seen him throw away a letter, or the envelopes for that matter. Man was a hoarder. Needed the originals of everything. But if I thought I'd be able to sort through his organization process, I was kidding myself.