Me, Myself, and I

valerie

Back in May, Valerie had told me she thought double dating was a sign of a healthy relationship. I thought she'd set Alex and I up with Joey and Leah, who led our high school in sports statistics and club leadership positions. Good way to practice not comparing yourself to other people. So the shock settled when she and Ben had marched up outside the movie theater, hand in hand.

That date. We sent the boys inside to get our spots and I pulled her aside to the handicap parking space.

"Valerie-"

She batted her eyelashes. "Yes?"

"See, when you said you were going to 'set me up' on a double date with friends-"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you told me you wanted to be friends with Ben again? Change your mind?"

"No, I-"

"Then what's the problem?"

It had been stewing in me since the moment they'd started dating only a week prior. Which had been mere moments after I turned Ben down, told him that his feelings about me weren't real, that mine were non-existent.

I folded my arms. "Is this about me and Alex?"

"What?"

"You told me that 'girl code' was some form of male dominance in a developing universe, and that if he asked me out, which he did, none of this would matter." She laughed and started towards the theater. I grabbed her wrist. "I'm sorry, okay? Just say the word and Alex and I can end things. But you shouldn't lead Ben on just because you're angry at me for dating your ex. You're going to end up hurting him."

Valerie tossed her bubblegum pink hair in my face as she calmly turned on her heel. "Like you did? I doubt anything I do has impact at this point."

She liked him. This wasn't some backhanded stab at my relationship choices. Why would it be? He'd confessed his feelings to me in a crowded hallway and I practically spat on him.

"I'm sorry." I could feel my eyes heating up. Red like a stove top. "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at, well, me." And in a Valerie fashion, she hugged me as if I hadn't been screaming at her moments ago. I pulled away, gripping her shoulders. "I just need to patch things up with him. He won't let me talk to him unless we're cornered. I have to take him home tonight. Could you..."

Val smiled. "An excuse? I've got you covered."

She giggled, hugging my side as we stepped into the theater, surrounded by the smells and feeling of butter and grease. She froze and held out her hand like a crossing guard, freezing us before the red curtain. "By the way, I couldn't hurt that kid even if I wanted to. His heart's tethered to him too tight."

I felt the awkwardness of my laugh as we stepped inside.

The plan backfired. Instead of patching things up with my friend, I made it worse by denying none of the accusations thrown at me. After that night I wouldn't see him again. But I would think about him. Oh I would think about him.

I never asked Valerie about their breakup. Never asked if Ben had been good to her, because of course he had been. Never had her over to hug pillows and squeal about our butterflies and dating stories. I didn't ask her about Alex. Wasn't around when they had been dating. She was gone before anything felt important.

"Julia!"

I snapped to the present. My car was cool; I'd forgotten to turn up the heater. Through the misty windshield, I spotted bleached pink curly blob of hair before anything else. Valerie grinned at me, tapping the glass with her plastic finger nails, the sun leaving small blinding dots at the tips.