𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗖𝗘-ᵗʷⁱˡⁱᵍʰᵗ¹

seventeen

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of abuse and self image issues

You can go years thinking you're healed from something, sometimes you can even go your whole life, and you wont notice all the things that are a direct result, or how much it still haunts you because you've pushed it so far back it has to fight fifty other things to show. This was something Sage had yet to learn. The girl had decided to drag Embry and Jacob out, and Embry had decided to drag Adler out as well— his way of trying to make Sage let her in.

They were sitting in a secluded area of the reservation talking about everything and nothing at all, being nothing more than teenagers desperate for some kind of escape from a world Adler had yet to learn about. Sage turned to Jacob, a wide smile on her face.

"Do you remember when-" Her face softened when the boy cut her off, agitation taking over his face.

"Are you seriously never gonna acknowledge what you did?"

"I-" Adler watched the two confused, not fully understanding what was happening, while Embry tried to interject.

"Embry stop trying to defend her. I get it, you have some issues to work out but im tired of constantly being your punching bag and then going on as if it never happened-" While Jacob continued speaking Sage's gaze drifted to a man she shared many features with. Suddenly all her walls dropped and she was left resembling a scared six year old. Embry and Adler followed her gaze and Adler stared confused as Embry immediately stepped in front the older girl.

"Jacob, shut up."

"No, no one ever wants to hold her accountable its bullshit. How are you not tired its been years-"

"Jacob!" Jacob froze at the urgency in Embrys voice and quickly followed his gaze. The taller boys face hardened as he stepped in front of Sage, pulling Adler behind him as Joshua stepped closer.

"Well, what a warm welcome my dear daughter's provided me with." Sage's eyes squeezed shut until all she could see was the phosphenes. She felt her hands shaking as her mind flashed back to her youth, the words Joshua spoke to the boys engraving onto her brain as they passed through to her ears in muffled cries. In her head she was five again, hiding in a corner, crying as her cheek slowly turned dark blue. 

She was suddenly alone in the old bottle filled living room, reliving the worst parts of her formative years. She was reliving the anger she'd taken on as if it were a shield, the hits and the muffled sobs.  She was becoming nothing more than a memory, returning into who she'd left behind. She didn't know how long the boys and Joshua stared each other down, she didn't know when Sam, Paul, and Jared had joined them, and she didn't know how she'd gotten back to her bed.

She was frozen, unable to move from her past, unable to run. She didn't know when Paul entered her room, or even realize when he took her hand and wrapped it in his.  She watched as his mouth formed words that didn't reach her ears. She just stared at his face, taking in the concern that overtook every inch of his face. She slowly took her hand out of his, and turned her entire body away from him. "I can't do this."

"What?"

"Whatever we are, i can't do it. Get out." Her voice was barely audible, and for a second it felt as though the world had stopped.

"Sage-" she squeeze her eyes together when she heard the pain in his voice.

"Get out, Paul. I'm done." She kept her eyes closed until she heard her door close. She heard the front door slam and everyone calling after Paul confused, that was when she allowed the tears to fall. Her decision felt wrong, yet she knew it was for the best. She'd only drag him down.

When Sage finally pulled herself out of bed it was eight pm the next day. She froze in front her mirror, Joshua's words forcing their way to the front of her head. 'well haven't you gained some weight?' She pulled her shirt up and stared at her stomach. She felt her throat block up and she immediately let her shirt fall as she took in her puffy face. She walked into her bathroom, splashing her face with water before finally making her way downstairs. She paused when she spotted the house filled with everyone- including Adler. Her eyes searched for Paul, yet quickly noticed his absence. She gently shook her head before filling a cup with water and turning to look at everyone eating.

"You hungry?" Her eyes met with her brothers and she gently shook her head. "You have to eat Sage."

"Im not hungry." Her voice was scratchy, and barely audible but it held a sense of finality that caused Sam to sigh before going back to his food. Her eyes moved towards Adler, who seemed out of place, like a deer who'd wandered into a cougars hunting grounds. The house held a haunting air, as if everything good had just decided to drop dead. Sage took in the lack of conversation and turned on her heal dragging herself back to her room.

Nothing felt right, Sage thought she'd never see Joshua again, after all it'd been 4 years since anyone on the reservation had seen him. Her eyes stayed glued on a photo of her and Sam as kids. They both wore bright smiles and heavy coats as they laid in snow angels they had made. They were too young to know the things they did, too young to be mistaking senseless pain for love. She didnt look at Emily as the older girl brought in a plate of food, Her gaze just stayed glued to one of the few happy memories she had.

WILLOW SPEAKS!!

i thought up this chapter while listening to the meaning of forever by alexa valentino. mainly Hate me and Off my chest. the whole album is so Sage coded. I was also driving when i thought up this idea, and i definitely didn't convey it how id imagined it.