Heeriye

Five.

Shehnaaz

I never thought I'd be grateful for Ruhi's silly little snore.

But right now, it's giving me life.

It's giving me hope.

It's giving me something to focus on apart from the terrifying, panicked weight that's parked itself on my chest and is getting heavier by the minute.

I check my watch. It's been twenty-two minutes and Jahan still hasn't come out of the bathroom. That's making me nervous, too. If you saw the bathroom in this hotel room, you'd know why. It's not the kind of place anyone voluntarily chooses to spend significant time in.

Pretty sure I spotted bloodstains in the tub earlier. I tried to cover them up with the depressing shower curtains that might've been yellow in their heyday but are now a sad, sickly brown.

Long story short: this hotel looks like death, smells like depression, and I need to get the kids out of here as soon as I possibly can.

Click.

The door opens.

Oh, thank God!

"Jahan," I whisper. "You okay?"

He doesn't really meet my eyes and I can tell why: he's been crying. His eyes are puffy, his cheeks are creased, and he's got that tired, far-off look that he had the day of Shruti's funeral.

I'm sitting at the foot of the empty single bed that Jahan and I will be sharing tonight. I pat the rough brown carpet next to me and Jahan shuffles his feet over.

"I know this is hard. I know this isn't fair. But I wouldn't be doing it if we had any other choice, Jahan. You know that, right?"

His bottom lip quivers. "I know why we have to leave Dad," he whispers. "But I was kinda hoping..." He doesn't finish his sentence and I'm relieved. Talking about Sidharth makes me want to burst into tears. At least I have the excuse of hormones to fall back on.

I'm not pining; it's just the hormones. Biology. Completely out of my hands.

I take his hand and he leans a little closer to me. "We have to try and do this by ourselves, okay, hon? It'll be hard at first but, with a little imagination, maybe this can actually be the adventure I promised the girls."

He raises his eyebrows as if to say,You poor delusional lady, what dream world are you living in? "Ruhi and chaya are gonna freak out when they realize that we're not ever going back home. They'll miss their bunk beds and the park."

"I know. God, I know. It's gonna be hard for all of us. That's why we need to be strong."

He leans his head against my arm. "Shehnaaz bua

"Yes."

"I hate this place."

I almost smile. "Me, too."

"I think there's blood in the tub."

My stomach twists. "It's tomato sauce."

He picks his head up and looks at me with that expression on his face again. The crazy lady expression. Geez, I really thought I'd have another decade at least before I started getting that look from the kids.

"Okay, it might not be tomato sauce, but for the sake of my sanity and a peaceful sleep tonight, let's pretend it is, deal?"

At long last, he gives me a half-smile. "Deal."

We pinky swear on that one and Jahan's head comes to rest back down on my arm. I know he's falling asleep when his weight starts sinking into my side. I can't carry him on my own anymore but I do manage to sleep-walk him to the bed.