Heartbroken

pitiful

[Courtney's POV]

After playing, I just realise the only solution to not think about the hurtful truths is to just disconnect from it. I know myself that I can't accept the truth but I don't care because there is no other way for me to accept it without hurting for the rest of my life. I just want to cut contact with him. With them. My intrusive thought just say to pack up and leave for London and change EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IN EVERY WAY. Yeah, I MIGHT be over reacting but you can't say much when you realise you've done too much and can't take it back. Like no one wants to be with me anymore. I'm hopeless and all I can do now is try to finish whatever loophole I'm stuck in. I can't let anything out. The standards to life is to never embarrass yourself. Never show determination unless they don't care. Find your way to success without being to kind OR too mean. I can't seem to enjoy productivity right now, I need someone to guide me through this mess. Someone who isn't a cheater. Someone who's not a back stabber. Someone I can truthfully rely on. I've lost everything. My friends, my heart, my determination and possibly my sanity. I'm not sorry. And I never will be. Through all of that suffering I will never ever, ever be the same. They don't understand how it feels like. They don't know how it feels like to get cheated on by the person you cared about the most. To be betrayed by the one who just became your friend. Friend I think. I've made up with Gwen but it never feels the same. The same one from the first season. I have a job to work on but I still feel like a teenager. I want someone to rely on. I need someone who I can trust without slipping. If anyone who betrayed me comes back to me, they're just putting me for betrayal. I don't need THEIR pity. They are the ones who hurt me, so why come back to me? Like a glass, you can't fix things that are already broken. Like me, like my heart. You can't build a friend up then immediately destroy it. Can I ever see them the same way? The same way there were in season 1? If I never went on total drama, would this feeling happen? Would it scar me for life? Or will life come back to me and scar me anyways? That's the sad thing, you'll never be able to determine whether life bites back at you anyways. All you can do is sit, wait with anxiety, trauma and a timid feeling to your bones.