guilt ridden | remus j. lupin + marauders era

𝟒𝟗

. . James . . 

        𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐒 𝐖𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐆, he thought with iron certainty, biting the inside of his cheek. This can't be right. He felt vile, trapping her with heavy chains in some hidden corner of his property. This is what you would do if you hated somebody, not loved them.

        "Ahmes," he whispered, calling the hunched-over-in-pain girl's attention just a few feet away, "I won't do this. I won't lock you in a cage."

        Elara's head twisted to look at him and he was shocked to see the pure agony in her expression. His eyes widened further as his mind replaced her face with Remus's. He'd frequently imagined what one of his best friends went through every month, but seeing the anguish that a person experienced even before they transformed, definitely broke his naively crafted image.

        "You have to, James." He bent lower in the shed to meet her gaze. Her eyes were drooping with exhaustion but set with determination. "I- I can't control it when it takes over."

        "I know, but-" He began to protest until she arched a brow, staring at him with an unamused look. "But," he continued heavily, raising his palms in a gesture of peace and goodwill, "I can't just leave you in pain. I can't do it, Ahmes."

        Her face shifted to something akin to fondness, a burning appreciation. She delicately wrapped her hand around his wrist that held the chains, replacing the freezing metal with her trembling limb.

        She stood there quietly for a minute, steadily observing the uncontrollable shaking of her fingers with a calm unlike any behavior she'd put forth in the past week and a half. It's eerie, James thought, how routine this is to her. And to Rem.

        He waited for her to finish with whatever internal moment she was clearly dealing with, occasionally scuffing one shoe with the other. Elara's hand was like a perfectly golden-toasted marshmallow in his own: soft, warm(uncharacteristically), and quaint. Though it did feel slightly out of place, like it belonged in someone else's grasp. His did too, he realized with a scrunch of his eyebrow.

        "I know this isn't an easy thing," she eventually let out gently, still peering at their conjoined palms. "And James, godric James, I'm so grateful for all of the help you've given me, with everything. You're so important-" her voice broke off as she swallowed thickly, "to me, so valuable."

        Has anyone other than his Mum said that? He didn't think so.

        "In fact, the type of love that is between family? I love you like that." His mouth opened, poised to voice a mutual feeling, but she kept going.

        "But J, you have to understand. There is no other way." She looked up, glassed argent irises pleading for understanding. "I can't imagine what it would be like to leave me here, when you know what's happening, but I can imagine what would happen if I wasn't confined and caged."

        James wanted to kick something. Hard. This was foul, this was cruel, this was inhumane. How could he abandon her? Imprison her? He already did it to Remus, how could he do it to his brother and his sister? He yearned to shout that he wouldn't do it, that he would find another way, that he would cuff his wrist to the wall if needed. He knew better.

... Did he?

        Ahmes has to know what she's talking about, he rationalized against his raging emotions, right? She's been dealing with this all her life. James felt Elara's intense gaze refusing to back down on this. This was the one thing she could never take no for an answer. And he supposed she had justification for it; it was her body that was being destroyed every month after all.