Crumbling Walls | Erwin Smith x Reader 18+

Chapter 7

Pushing Buttons

The shorter the daylight kept on getting, the colder the days grew. To the point your morning training sessions have now been canceled. Due to the increasing snow falling in the fields, with no time to even clear it because each day you wake up, you see a pile of thick snow covering that massive dirt hole.

And it made you relieved for a while, to get rid of the early yells and shouts and drags out of bed. To not see the faces of the ones you still loathe so much in this place so early in the morning that it fucks up the rest of your day. And to not see him, so bright and early. Because with each passing day, you kept feeling that tenacious sting of hatred and resentment in your core growing and expanding as deep and as long as the winter nights approaching.

It has been exactly thirty-four days since that night in that barren, chilly field with him...

That night, after getting your face fucked, your self respect demolished, you found yourself heading for your bed crying. But you weren't crying because you were upset, or sad. You were crying because you were angry. Angry at your own self. At the naiveness and stupidity you had reached. For a temporary bliss, for a few seconds of a high trance, you let go of it all. Yourself, your principals, your past, your oath, that you swore over your brother's cold and dead body. You just let go of it all, just for a touch of that man that you loathed so much. And you let it, easily, consume your good judgments, your senses, and your own worth. You craved, in those moments, nothing but him. Wanted nothing but to give him everything in those stupid moments. Your body, mind, and even soul. Because you, foolishly, walked into his own lair. His camp, his force, his territory. And you gave him all. All but the reason why you were here in the first place.

His death...

You let it momentarily go, because you were fooled by a few words he bullshit you with. He took advantage of your hurt, your weakness and your brother's death, and made it all about him. You're not this stupid, you're way smarter than this. But yet again, you let it all go and shut your mind down. And let your body get fooled by him. Because men like him, are way too good at it. Lying. Manipulating. It all came easy for them, and they thrived on the souls that served and worshiped them. Giving them what they need, false honor and fake value...

I will kill him after all...

"Hey!" Mikasa's voice pulls you out of your thoughts and you glance up to see her coming in. You're sitting in one of the empty lecture halls. Your head was pounding with a bad headache this morning when you woke up and you didn't find it in you to even go eat.... Again!

This was a reoccurring thing that kept on happening every morning for a month now, so you kept missing your breakfasts. But your best friend Mikasa never let you starve or go the whole day without food, so she's been bringing you fruits or snacks after breakfast hours to aid your hunger.

"They served porridge this morning." She reached the rectangular long desk, taking the chair next to you. "But you'd be surprised how many friends Sasha has in the kitchens... so, here!" She giggled, then searched her jacket's inside pocket and took out two apples. "Hope this'll do!"

You giggle in response, shaking your head and taking one red apple from her. You nod to the second one. "You take that." Then your teeth bite into the sweet fruit and you start chewing. Mikasa sits there, her eyes glued to the apple then her smile dies.

"Can I ask you something?"

You nod, taking another bite. You glance at her to see her now looking at you. "Are we friends?"

Your face frowns for a second, then you nod slowly. "I guess?" And your answer makes Mikasa smile, then she laughs and shakes her head.

"I mean, if we were friends, you'd have told me by now what's really bothering you, right?"