Crumbling Walls | Erwin Smith x Reader 18+

Chapter 18

Like Snow

What is even a soul?

Is it something I can see, perhaps?

Something I can feel? That simple, I just lean forward and touch it?

So many questions, so little answers. None, even. But you know you must have one. Once in your life, the only thing you carry within, is that thing they call a soul. That big question mark we humans live and die not having an answer for. You'd think it doesn't exist. Not real. You'd think that we're just a living, biologically functioning, creatures. Not merely alive by something so superstitious such as a soul. An invisible force, given to each and every one of us without having the slightest clue what it even is.

I would like, and want, to believe that... Really do believe that. If it wasn't for what he said. If it wasn't for what he did to me... How little of an answer he gave to that big question...

All this time you'd spent with him, all these nights, days, small moments of pleasure, of pain. You felt it inside you. Expanding something so intangible deep within you. Many times you felt like it was about to spill out of you, many times you felt like you wanted to reach for him for no sane reason. Beyond a physical touch. Because something was reaching from within you to him. Something was forming. An unphysical force was pulling you to him and pulling him to you. Unnamed. Unknown.

A soul...

Yours was, unmistakably and completely, trying to get him. Arms open, heart open, all this time, wanting him closer. Eager to embrace, like he said, to collide, and become one. You and him. The man you sought all these years. The man you wanted his soul, for completely different reasons. To take it away from him, and end its existence.

Instead, you now want it for yourself for completely different reasons. Want to have it close, so close, holding yours...

All of this never dawned on you, not until this very moment. Until this very second. When your lips is a breath away from his. When small snow flakes were falling and melting off your skin as you anticipated his to come. And your softly panting lips pushed slightly forward. That unnamed force already taking control. That eagerness, that selfishness, already craving that embrace...

"Your devil." Placid, hushed. His soft breath lands against your lips. And you nod. Your eyes still closed, feeling his hands still cupping your cheeks. So warm and gentle, his thumb strokes your skin. Your bodies already close, so close, you're pressed into him. You are holding his face, too. You're already becoming one. Physically. Just that one little move. One little touch of both of your lips. And it'll be sealed.

Our embrace...

A sharp intake of a breath, a rough skin, quickly coming into contact with your face. You feel his chin pressing against yours. You feel his nose next to yours. His hands holding you stronger, as if to stop you from any sudden movement.

This is it...

Yet,

What?

You don't feel his lips!

A bite. Gentle, careful, then a tug. Erwin takes your lower lip in his teeth. A shiver runs along your skin. Your shoulders flinch at the impact. A second passes, then he lets go and you snap your eyes open immediately. Stunned. Breathless. Your chest heaving and now the blood is rushing to your face. It burns under his palms and you instantly move your hands down and shove. Shove with so much force, both your body and his stumble backwards. Breaking what wanted so desperately to be formed.