Harringrove one shots

I wish you the best 💙

[A suicide note from billy to steve]

Harrington,

I don't know why I'm writing to you of all people, out of everyone in this hellhole of a town,  but it's better than writing to that freak Munson

Maybe it's because you were always there for Maxine,  always there for me

Or maybe it's because I can't stop thinking about you, about the times in school when I'd push you down or during 4th period when we'd get high underneath the bleachers, hands slightly brushing each other while passing the joint back and forth

I've done bad things Harrington,  horrible, nasty god awful things that I couldn't control, things that weren't using my free will.

Nights that I stare at myself in the mirror, my eyes turning back to ocean- colored blue, not like the black they once were

Nights where I would fall asleep in the shower, hoping nobody would barge in and see me like this

Nights when the blade you got me was used for other things than protecting myself

I remember hurting Nancy's mother, and I still can't forgive myself for what happened to her, to heather and her parents

I feel so dirty,  so awful and disgusting all the time. If I'm being honest, I believe what you and the kids were saying a couple months ago about the monsters

That night when I didn't believe you and I dragged maxine home, I feel like that's the night it got me

When I say 'it' no I don't mean that nasty ass clown your favorite author wrote about, I don't really know what I'm talking about really, it grabs ahold of me whenever it feels like it and uses me for it's own will

I can't keep pretending to be okay after those nights, when I come home, covered in blood, and I collapse in tears onto my bedsheets

Steve, I'm truly sorry for I treated-screw that- how I treat you. You're an amazing human being, you're freaking 'Hawkins golden boy' for crying out loud

You were everything I wanted to be

The days in school where I'd push you around and you'd just let me, like you enjoyed it

I came to the conclusion that you weren't in a good place

Just like where I am right now

The envelope I placed on the kitchen counter of your house has my necklace in it, the one my mother gave to me. I want you to have it, to remember me, because the time you even open this letter, I will have already pulled my own trigger and I won't be on this planet anymore

No drugs, a gun

I feel like that's easier than overdosing, staying alive slowly as the world fades away, shooting myself in the head is easier because it will be easy and quick and although it will hurt for a second or two, then it will all be done