Oblivion

Chapter Eleven - Escape

Josephine 

'God is merciful, therefore I am merciful to you.'

'You can't understand this because you're just a child, but what I do I do just to protect you.'

The memories were still running through my head. Again and again. Hunting me as if I was a prey to slay.  Everything he had said, every bullshit excuse he had made, it all played constantly in my head. "Stop!" I kept telling myself, but of course they didn't. "Just stop it!", I begged without success.

'I do this in the name of God. Be a dear child.'

'You want your parents to stay in heaven, right? Then you have to be a good girl otherwise they will go to hell.'

I felt so dirty. My hands scratched my arms to get rid of the feeling. But even if I ripped off my skin, it would stay. They crawled over me like little beetles, biting, scratching, stinging me everywhere. I was so sick, so sick of myself.

'I want to guide you on the right path.'

'I just love you. Don't you love me?'

I struggled to crawl into the bathroom and to escape that voice, but even as I vomited dinner into the toilet, it remained. What's more, he laughed at me, taunted me, called me names that I called myself way too often thanks to him.

'You would be so lost without me.'

'That remains our secret Josephine, no one should know how much I love you, okay? Otherwise they would just be mad at you because I don't love them as much as I love you.'

"That's not love!" Tears ran and ran down my cheeks. "It's not love!" I tried to convince myself. 

'You know yourself that you were a naughty child. Naughty children must be punished. Are you going to keep being naughty?'

'Stop crying. I want to see your smile.'

I curled up on the floor again and tried to make myself as small as possible. Just like before when I tried to hide from him. What else could I do to protect me against something that could overcome any protection?

'Just let it happen.'

And just like my younger self, I gave up and let it happen.

______________

At some point it must have stopped. I was still lying on the floor in front of the toilet, rocking back and forth. My top was soaked with my sweat, vomit and tears. I felt so incredibly empty. Even my parents' love was no longer inside my heart. I wished they were here with me and would hold me until I picked up all the broken pieces of myself. But I was alone and no one would ever be able to love me as damaged as I was. Vito, Domenico and Valentino would recognize it soon and when the time came, they would throw me out. This disgust rose in me again. Luckily I was already in the bathroom to throw up the rest of the food. I weakly flushed the water and leaned against the edge of the bathtub. What now? But my mind was blank.

I seemed to have switched to autopilot. My body got up, washed its teeth, cleaned up vomit from the bedroom floor, washed the sweater that had also gotten some on it, took a cold shower, put on something new, and then sat on the edge of the bed.

I sat there.
And I sat.
And I sat.

Until I got up sometime well after midnight and left the room, went down the stairs, walked through the kitchen to the employee exit and stood in front of the house with my shoes in the snow. Still unable to control myself, I put on my shoes and started walking. I didn't feel the cold around me at all. Everything seemed so easy even though I felt so heavy, so I just let my body do its thing. Even the appearance of the dogs didn't seem to affect me. Ignoring them, I continued running without a destination in mind. There was no place to go, so I could go anywhere. I turned my head and saw the lights still on in the building behind my. Apparently Vito was still working in the office. At this time? That was not good. Sleep was important. It was as if a curtain lifted inside me and I began to find myself again. Someone had to tell Vito to go to sleep. I started to walk back and with every step back I got faster until I came to a stop in front of the office. I knocked carefully.