The Art of Dilapidation (Kellic)

21: Hold my Heart

I sat on the floor in the middle of my bedroom, staring down at the picture in front of me. Boxes littered the areas around me, taped shut and labeled in neat print with a Sharpie. It hardly seemed like my bedroom anymore. All my drawings were packed away along with all the little trinkets that made my room unique to me. I had been boxing up the things in my closet when I'd stumbled across a strange box. I'd opened it to find a pile of seemingly unrelated objects. Sitting atop the rest of the junk was this photo of my father and myself, taken when we'd first moved into this house.

It was then that I realized that this was where I had put everything I had that had reminded me of my father after he died. Tears stung my eyes as I stared down at the dusty, old photograph. They trickled down my face one by one as the weight of everything crashed down on me, crushing my fragile mind. I buried my head in my hands, letting the sobs take over me.

I was losing everything. I had lost my dad, my mom, my house, and I was sure I was losing myself too. I couldn't live like that anymore. It was like climbing up a mountain. The air kept getting thinner, my muscles weaker, and all I wanted was to collapse and let go. It all hurt too much for me to handle. I could only take so much more. I knew Vic wanted me to get better and I was trying for him; I really was, but it was getting to be too hard. Maybe I could just go to sleep and never wake up. There would be no more torturous pain. No more fear. No more loneliness. No more life.

I sobbed harder, trying and failing to collect myself. My head was spinning with all the thoughts that were racing through it at lightning speed. I wanted it to stop. No, I needed it to stop. I just wanted to get away from this constant agony. It was just too overwhelming. It was like a constant barrage of bullets upon my skin, but none of them were able to kill me in the end.

I stood up and went over to my desk. I rummaged around in one of the drawers until I found what I wanted. I pulled out that little black box and opened it. My fingers landed on my favorite friend and I pulled it out. An image of Vic's face flashed in my mind, but I pushed it away. This is what's best, I tried to convince myself.

I fell to my knees, not even bothering to hold myself together. My hand trembled as I drew the little sliver of metal across my wrist. The pain caused a little gasp to slip past my lips, but it didn't deter me. In fact, it only sent me crawling back for more. You deserve this, the voice in my head screamed. You deserve it. I did. I knew I did.

Another cut. Another small moment of relief, or was it agony? The lines were so blurred at this point that I hardly knew the difference between the two. My body trembled as I kept going, my head swimming as the tally climbed. Each little line of red was another memory I was trying to banish, another glimpse of the future that I was trying to eradicate. Why should I stay alive? What was there for me to look forward to? Everything would leave me behind. Who would even want to stay?

In an instant the blade was wrenched from my tight grip and I looked up. Vic was standing over me and I glared at him. "Give it back, Vic," I said with as much forcefulness as I could manage. Vic did no such thing. He didn't even give any indication that he'd heard me. His eyes were locked on my wrist, his lip quivering. "Kellin, why?" he said, his voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. I didn't answer.

Vic crouched down next to me, dropping the blade. He took my hand in his and gazed down at the mess I'd made. He didn't look angry or disappointed like I had expected. Instead he just looked heartbroken. The sadness and pain on his face tore me apart and I let the tears start up again. "Oh no, don't cry," Vic said. He reached up and wiped away the little drops.

I didn't know why he seemed so affected by what I'd done. Surely he must've been prepared for it by this point. Did he really expect me to be okay? After everything that had happened did he think that I was going to be able to just move along?