The Art of Dilapidation (Kellic)

37: The Screwed Up Story of My Life

It was two days after Christmas and I was spending my time sitting on a snowy bridge in the middle of the woods, waiting for a ghost to show up just so I could say hello.  If that's not weird then I don't know what is.  It was like my life was some shitty book that someone decided to throw a bunch of entirely predictable "plot twists" into like "oh my God, that weird bridge guy is dead!".  At least some of you must've seen that one coming from a mile away.  I'm sure half of you have predicted the ending by now too, but, then again, maybe not.  Maybe whoever is writing the story of my screwed up life still has a few tricks up their sleeve.

Here's the thing, though, this wasn't some picture perfect story where the main characters fall in love, vanquish their demons, and live happily ever after. I still had plenty of demons left to be slain. One of them was swimming around in the bottle that I clutched in my hand. I took a swig from said bottle and let that demon creep its way down my throat to make a home in my veins. As far as demons go it seemed as though a bottle of whiskey wasn't the worst one. It was good for one thing at least: forgetting. It seemed to help my mom get really good at that, so good, in fact, that she forgot how to breathe.

I might've lied when I said that I was only coming to see Oli just to say hello. In all reality, I was there because this was the day I had lost my father and, in a way, my mother too. I hadn't told Vic or Andy or anyone really. I knew they wouldn't understand, but Oli was a different story. Oli had lost things that day too. He was the only one that might get what I was feeling, unless ghosts forget how to feel. I'd have to ask him. I'd like to know how to do that because as much as the whiskey helped it was only a mask to hide behind. There was only one permanent fix and I wasn't quite ready for that one yet.

I took another swig from the bottle and sighed, staring out at the world in front of me. Snow blanketed the world like a thick dusting of powdered sugar. It was clean and white, but I knew it would soon become blackened and dirty.  Nothing stayed pure for long.  Not me.  Not you.  Nothing. 

More snowflakes danced down to the ground, swirling on the icy winds that stung my cheeks.  The sun reflected off the flakes, making the world appear painfully bright. The skeletal limbs of the trees arched above me like bony arms reaching up toward the sky. It was freezing out there, but I couldn't be bothered to care. Caring seemed like an unnecessary expenditure of energy.

"Kellin?" Oli's voice broke through the silence that had settled over the woods.  I looked up at him and gave a slightly sarcastic smile.  "You sound shocked," I said. 

"I guess I just didn't expect to see you here.  Not today of all days," Oli said, shaking his head confusedly. 

"Well, I'm just full of surprises," I replied dryly. Oli sat down next to me, sighing.  There was a moment of silence as we both stared out at the trees.  "I came out here because I knew you wouldn't give me any bullshit," I said, my words slurring together a bit.  Oli gave me a strange look.  "Kellin," he said, "are you drunk?"

"So what if I am?" I said defensively, taking a gulp of the whiskey.  It burned a little on the way down, but I'd gotten used to it.  I didn't mind the feeling anyway.  "Kellin, are you forgetting just what happened to your parents?" Oli said slightly angrily. "What happened to me?"

"No, I haven't forgotten," I snapped. "I know there's no forgetting. I'm not an idiot, Oli."

"Then what the hell are you doing with that fucking poison?" Oli asked, narrowing his eyes at me. I sighed and put my head in my hands. "I don't know, Oli. I don't fucking know," I said quietly. "It was a stupid thing to do, I know."

"Yeah, it was," he said.

"I just-," I paused and took a deep breath. "Can we not talk about this right now." Oli looked like he wanted to further pursue the subject, but he just gave me a pained smile and nodded. I held up the bottle, about to take another sip, but I sighed, looking at it for a second before setting it down again.