How To Not Fall For Your Online Best Friend

05

Oliver's pov:

So here we are. Sitting in the living room while eating pizza.

I couldn't eat. I took a bite of the pizza, two at most before putting it down, feeling nauseous already.

We had TV on in the background, not really paying attention to it and just scrolling on our phones.

So far, Toby hasn't left my side after I told him what happened. The only time is in the bathroom to which he'll wait until I get back and if I take too long, he'll go knock on the door to check if I'm alright.

This is because I have almost relapsed multiple times. I just started thinking about how much life sucks and I'm back at square one. So far I have seen nothing about me on the Internet. I have also not seen Mark stream or them active anymore.

The rare moments he does stream, he only lasts around a good hour before making an excuse and going back offline.

I miss him so much. I miss everything about him. Does he miss me though?

I'm so fucked in the head and I can't do anything remotely close to right. I always mess everything up.

I think I messed things up with him too. If he saw the me that everyone else has seen, I don't think he would actually want to be with me.

I'm a fucking alcoholic. Just like my dad. I have bad anger issues and self harm. I'm probably depressed as hell and I have a fucking eating disorder.

I'm fucked in the head. Like I am so screwed up. Maybe this is why I tried to commit again. Maybe this is why I'm so screwed up.

Maybe it's the fights that happened almost every fucking night or maybe it's just the simple fact that I can't stand the fact that I'll never be a real boy. I don't even deserve to be alive.

As I'm zoning out into my thoughts while probably crying, I feel Toby shaking me slightly, calling out my name.

Everything was muffled though. I could barely hear anything and the shit I could, I couldn't even really hear that either. I watch him panic while I'm just sitting there, completely unresponsive.

I mumble out that I'm fine, leaning onto his shoulder while closing my eyes, hearing the same tune play in my head.

The same tune that he hummed when he found out about my self harm. The same tune I always looked towards for comfort.

Hearing the soft tune of 'rises the moon' play in my head. I calm my breathing, opening my eyes and hearing Toby immediately.

"Breathe with me, okay? In... Out... Hold... In... Out... Hold..." I slowly do as he says, gaining control over my thoughts again and slumping over onto him.

He rubs my back lightly before hugging me and putting on a movie. We both pay attention to it this time for a little bit before I fall asleep.

Pov change!!

Ranboos' pov

It's been a few weeks since he died. The love of my life. And I don't think I've recovered from it. I don't think I ever will.

How do you come back from that? From the person you love the most on this planet just giving up on everything.

I don't think you can. I don't think you'll ever be able to recover from this.

I've been trying to get better. I've streamed 3 times since he's been gone.

And I swear, sometimes I see him when I go out. It's like when I'm walking around, out of nowhere I'll just see him in the corner of my eyes and when I turn around, he's not there anymore.

Maybe I'm just grieving. Maybe all of this is in my head.

I think I blame myself. I blame myself for absolutely everything that happened that night.

Niki has been over a lot, mostly sleeping in my spare bedroom, Oli's old room. She just stays up in there for hours, listening to his music, watching old streams, looking through pictures.

It's the rare moments that we're out of both of our rooms at the same time and we just both start crying instantly.

I haven't left my house much. I left two times and all I could see was him. He was everywhere but nowhere at the same time.

I feel so lost without him. Like my whole world just collapsed and everything means nothing.

I can't make it through an hour streaming without thinking of him and tearing up.

Sometimes I even see his old username in the chat. But when I notice it, it's immediately gone.

My mind is like hell. It is the worst place to be right now but I don't know how to get out of it.

I got reached out to by one of my old friends, rain, from highschool.

We used to talk a lot before we got into jobs and stuff. Mostly lost contact. They were the open queer in highschool and immediately saw that I was probably not the straightest.

Looking back at it, I did flirt with the other volleyball team so we would win but in my defense, it worked.

We talked for a bit, mostly about how stuff has been. They're like the closest thing to a therapist that I've got.

But tonight they were busy.

Tonight, the one night I'm left with my thoughts.

Though I knew that it wouldn't end well so my next best option was listening to music.

On our first date, I made a playlist for in the car when we were driving there.

So I turned on that, having it as loud as I could while putting on one of the jumpers that he would always wear.

I looked down at my bracelet and cried, listening to everything that reminded me of him and looking and smelling at him. He was everywhere.

But at least I didn't feel as alone.

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Lately I've just been in this shitty state and I don't know how to describe it but here I am now with another part! Sorry it's been long since I last updated. I hope you like this though and your day or night goes well!

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